Michael Preston is a Wicked Wizard who Conquers the Space

Gather up your magic power crystals, because Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review, featuring guest host Mike Toole.  (He’s from the Internet.)

Review in a Nutshell:  Shamelessly cribbing from numerous other films such as Mad Max and Star Wars, Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn is an inappropriately named piece of low-budget science fantasy.  Originally released in stereoscopic 3-D, this ambitious but incomprehensible little gem has been rescued from obscurity by a terrible DVD release.  (It’s also on Netflix Instant at the time of this writing.)

This movie contains:

Evil Australian Necromancers.

Cyborg Justice?

Jeffrey Byron’s One Facial Expression.

Crystar, the Crystal Warrior?

What’s wrong with your faaaaaaaace?

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13 Responses

  1. Toonces the driving cat, from “Saturday Night Live”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2×5-38LJ8N4&feature=related

  2. Holy Geez.
    I just saw this movie for the first time a few weeks ago. It was maddening.
    I can’t wait to listen to this to see if it drove you as insane as it did me.

  3. Tammy and I saw this with friends back before we got married – even for a blatant grab at some of that STAR WARS fan money, it was ridiculous! Papagallo from THE ROAD WARRIOR as a scenery-chewing Evil Wizard/Lord/Something, a race of “cyclops” that (in the words of one of our friends) looked like they’d all turned and presented a nuclear blast their profiles, the most sluggish sky-bike chase in history – and the cyborg villain Baal who, when he first appeared on screen, prompted me to say to everybody with us, “Yeah – I’ve had hangovers like that, too….”

    Decent 3D (which means nothing if you’re watching it on DVD) – really cheap, stupid story.

  4. Don’t miss the vintage ’83 TV spot, complete with fill-in narration at the end by Peter Cullen!

  5. It doesnt matter the movie, Trailer narration by Peter Cullen will always make a movie seem cool

  6. On the subject of really bad DVD covers for cheap 80s movies. This one is so offensive on mutiple levels.

  7. While I’ve definitely heard of Metalstorm I never actually got around to seeing it. My loss I suspect, but I’m not paying to see a bad p&s version. Hopefully someday a good release will be available.

    I actually did see Spacehunter in theaters when it came out and remember it fondly. I actually taped the broadcast version off of TV when it was first shown and wore the tape out over the years. Fortunately, Amazon does seem to have a good quality version available (though not in 3-D) that I’ll have to pick up now that you’ve reminded me of the film.

  8. @miekomewf – uhhh, I’m not sure my current HDTV even has inputs for my laserdisc player any more….

    …assuming I find and dig it out of the attic, somewhere near the old AT PC we used for about seven-eight years.

  9. @miekomewf – also, check the specs on the LD. It’s also pan&scan…. ::sigh::

  10. Saw this movie about a year ago, I’ll have to watch it again since it’s on Netflix. The poster at the top is awesome! I will be using it as my new desktop wallpaper for awhile. Nice to hear Spacehunter mentioned as well. I’d love to see that and The Bride (w/Sting) on GME someday.

  11. I know I saw this in the theater (I even remember the commercial and comic book ad that made me want to see it), however while I remember my mother actually taking me to go see the movie, I don’t remember the movie at all. It’s like only the memory of watching the movie was erased. Erased…from existence….

  12. @ Timothy… I don’t think anybody actually has LD players hooked up to their HT’s anymore.. Myself i just have my LD’s players (and Beta, SVHS Decks) running through a Canopus AVDC-100 a/d converter into a encoding PC with Canopus software and encode it all to a dvd standard and play it that way off my HTPC ;)

    Pan & Scan sucks but if a 16:9 version doesn’t exist… what are you gonna do…. Not watch it ?!

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