Michael Preston is a Wicked Wizard who Conquers the Space

Gather up your magic power crystals, because Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review, featuring guest host Mike Toole.  (He’s from the Internet.)

Review in a Nutshell:  Shamelessly cribbing from numerous other films such as Mad Max and Star Wars, Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn is an inappropriately named piece of low-budget science fantasy.  Originally released in stereoscopic 3-D, this ambitious but incomprehensible little gem has been rescued from obscurity by a terrible DVD release.  (It’s also on Netflix Instant at the time of this writing.)

This movie contains:

Evil Australian Necromancers.

Cyborg Justice?

Jeffrey Byron’s One Facial Expression.

Crystar, the Crystal Warrior?

What’s wrong with your faaaaaaaace?

13 Responses

  1. Toonces the driving cat, from “Saturday Night Live”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2×5-38LJ8N4&feature=related

  2. Holy Geez.
    I just saw this movie for the first time a few weeks ago. It was maddening.
    I can’t wait to listen to this to see if it drove you as insane as it did me.

  3. Tammy and I saw this with friends back before we got married – even for a blatant grab at some of that STAR WARS fan money, it was ridiculous! Papagallo from THE ROAD WARRIOR as a scenery-chewing Evil Wizard/Lord/Something, a race of “cyclops” that (in the words of one of our friends) looked like they’d all turned and presented a nuclear blast their profiles, the most sluggish sky-bike chase in history – and the cyborg villain Baal who, when he first appeared on screen, prompted me to say to everybody with us, “Yeah – I’ve had hangovers like that, too….”

    Decent 3D (which means nothing if you’re watching it on DVD) – really cheap, stupid story.

  4. Don’t miss the vintage ’83 TV spot, complete with fill-in narration at the end by Peter Cullen!

  5. It doesnt matter the movie, Trailer narration by Peter Cullen will always make a movie seem cool

  6. On the subject of really bad DVD covers for cheap 80s movies. This one is so offensive on mutiple levels.
    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Deathstalker-DVD-Rick-Hill/dp/B004H15Y8Q

  7. While I’ve definitely heard of Metalstorm I never actually got around to seeing it. My loss I suspect, but I’m not paying to see a bad p&s version. Hopefully someday a good release will be available.

    I actually did see Spacehunter in theaters when it came out and remember it fondly. I actually taped the broadcast version off of TV when it was first shown and wore the tape out over the years. Fortunately, Amazon does seem to have a good quality version available (though not in 3-D) that I’ll have to pick up now that you’ve reminded me of the film.

  8. @miekomewf – uhhh, I’m not sure my current HDTV even has inputs for my laserdisc player any more….

    …assuming I find and dig it out of the attic, somewhere near the old AT PC we used for about seven-eight years.

  9. @miekomewf – also, check the specs on the LD. It’s also pan&scan…. ::sigh::

  10. Saw this movie about a year ago, I’ll have to watch it again since it’s on Netflix. The poster at the top is awesome! I will be using it as my new desktop wallpaper for awhile. Nice to hear Spacehunter mentioned as well. I’d love to see that and The Bride (w/Sting) on GME someday.

  11. I know I saw this in the theater (I even remember the commercial and comic book ad that made me want to see it), however while I remember my mother actually taking me to go see the movie, I don’t remember the movie at all. It’s like only the memory of watching the movie was erased. Erased…from existence….

  12. @ Timothy… I don’t think anybody actually has LD players hooked up to their HT’s anymore.. Myself i just have my LD’s players (and Beta, SVHS Decks) running through a Canopus AVDC-100 a/d converter into a encoding PC with Canopus software and encode it all to a dvd standard and play it that way off my HTPC ;)

    Pan & Scan sucks but if a 16:9 version doesn’t exist… what are you gonna do…. Not watch it ?!

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