This movie poster is entirely accurate.

conquest_poster_01

Polish up your golden, spiked bikini because Conquest is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the (ENTIRELY ACCURATE) movie poster or the title above

to download our review of the film, featuring guest host Oli Bulmer.

Review in a Nutshell: A dark fantasy Spanish / Italian / Mexican co-production that cribs liberally from such films as Conan the Barbarian, Clan of the Cave Bear, Clash of the Titans, and Beastmaster, Conquest is long on smoke machines and short on plot. Expect wolf men, cave men, swamp mummies, and bows that shoot lasers. It’s a very strange film which I think everyone should watch, because Lucio Fulci is a weird dude.

The Lonely Death of Arthur Piggman

deathstalker

Dust off your loincloth, because Deathstalker is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring Katherin the Great.

Review in a Nutshell:  Ostensibly a sword and sorcery fantasy, Deathstalker is mostly an excuse to show female nudity and male semi-nudity.  This film puts the ‘exploit’ in exploitation film.

This movie contains:

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Rubber Puppets.

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Wrasslin’.

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Petulant Wizards.

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The Ballad of Duck Cheesecake

Hold onto you noses, because Conan the Barbarian (2011) is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring Dave and Joel from Fast Karate for the Gentleman.

Review in a Nutshell:  Although the film contains good casting and some truly hilarious moments, the new Conan film is missing a certain something that puts our guest hosts ill at ease.  Paul still considers it to be the “feel-good family comedy of the year.”

Barbarian Smoochies

Break out your battle-axes, because Kull the Conqueror is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring Sean “Hollywood” Hunting.

Review in a Nutshell:  Flaming swords.  Rubber demons.  Tia Carrere as an evil enchantress.  Kull the Conqueror is an unrelentingly goofy but fun little barbarian film.

Bakshi, Barbarians, and Buffalo Shots

Hold onto your broadswords, because Fire and Ice is (probably not) the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring Gerald “Badonkadonk” Rathkolb of AnimeWorldOrder.

Review in a Nutshell:  With an uninspiring storyline and an odd visual aesthetic, Fire and Ice skates by on the strengths of Frank Frazetta’s design.  Be warned:  negative stereotypes and gratuitous booty abound.

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