When all else fails, Recycle!

Underworld: Evolution is the Worst Movie EVER. It’s even worse than the original Underworld, which was also the Worst Movie EVER. So it’s the worst of the worst. Not to be confused with the worst of the wurst, because even bad wurst is good wurst.

In all honesty, this episode was recorded quite some time ago. I was saving it for a rainy day, and since I spent this last weekend traveling to Miami and back to help my good friend Eddy prepare for Carousel, I’ve been too swamped to record another podcast. But fear not, intrepid listeners, we have more good stuff coming down the pipe in the near future!

Being a brief illustration of what werewolves should look like:

This is the “Crinos” form,
as per Werewolf: The Apocalypse from White Wolf Games.


This is what the werewolves in Underworld: Evolution resemble.

`Nuff said.

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5 Responses

  1. Hey, new listener here, and after catching up with the old shows I have to give respect for the Tank Girl love. I think Tank Girl is AWESOME, and even got a girlfreind long ago to do halloween with me as Tank Girl and Booga. You should totally do an episode about it.

  2. Fear not, intrepid listener Dave, I plan to do a podcast all about the wonderfulness that is Tank Girl. Just as soon as I can force — er, I mean “encourage” — Bishopcruz and GunsmithX into watching it again.

    For some reason, those dino-sympathizing philistines didn’t care for Tank Girl the first time they viewed it. Gunsmith even curled into a fetal position and let out the occassional blood-curdling shriek. But I’m sure that once they have the opportunity to appreciate the sublime awesomemess of Tank Girl a second time, they’ll flip opinions faster than a perpetrator confessing to lesser crimes on Law & Order.

  3. I found your podcast through Anime World Order.

    I have some problems with your podcast review of Underworld 2. Don’t get me wrong. I hate Underworld 2, but there are some problems with your review.

    Regarding the setting of the both films, the Underworld movies are shot in Hungary, and the movie suggest that a European setting. In the first Underworld, all the cars were European, and the street scene were very European (train scene and signs). Furthermore, the other coven of vampires (in the first movie) were explicitly stated that they were from America. They did not try to portray an American setting. It was a European setting.

    I think you miss the character relationship between Speedman’s character and Beckinsale’s character. Beckinsale is the ONLY HERO character in the series. Speedman is the beautiful princess character that Beckinsale has to rescue from danger. Your mom suggested this in your review of the first Underworld movie, but you dismissed it.

    You also missed the noble (vampires) versus the peasant (werewolf) relationship. Vampires were the rich and opulent. The werewolves were the poor and worker class. They were dressed and characterized by these class roles. It has a Marxist class struggle under tone.

    I agree that the sex scene was pointless, and the flashback was a completely shameless rip-off of LOTR. They didn’t try to customize the elements of LOTR for their narrative. It was just a copy of LOTR.

    Your review would have been more substantial with details about the production background of the film. Len Wiseman was trained as a special effects tech. As a special effects/prop tech, he is credited on Emmerich’s Godzilla, Men in Black, ID4, and Stargate. This would suggest that he is more focused on effects and scenery. Both films are heavily focused on scenery and the visual “look” of the film.

    I think Underworld 2 suffers from the obsessive focus on special effects. The plot and characters fell apart. The movie was very good as an academic film showcasing different special effects. It’s like a series of special effects shorts that were edited together.

    Your “matrix” criticism about most of the new actions movies is overly critical. The Matrix set a new tone for all action movies. It’s part of the lexicon of action films. I have to forgive most movies for using elements of the Matrix because it’s part of the language. This is similar to Die Hard. After Die Hard, every action hero and scene was influenced by Die Hard.

    Do you rip all Hong Kong action movies from copying the wire fighting technique from Cantonese opera?

    Do you rip Kill Bill for all the references that it makes?

    It just added a new element to the whole action genre.

  4. james,

    There would be no point in ripping Hong Kong films for having Cantonese opera techniques in them; that’s an example of evolution, something migrating from a theatrical form to film.

    I do rip Kill Bill for some of the references it makes. If Tarantino had been a mite less self-indulgent, he could have made one really kickin’ film full of his favorite homages, instead of two longish mediocre films that are crushed beneath the weight of their own running times.

    As for The Matrix, the first movie was innovative. It was a perfect fusion of Asian and American cinematic elements, with just enough ninth-grade philosophy in it to keep it from being completely mindless. Fair enough. But it’s been nearly a decade, and I’m sick and tired of everyone cribbing from it. It may have added a new element to the film language of action movies, but new in this case does not equate to “good”. The Matrix has become a toxic meme, inescapable and tiresome. Now every action movie feels it needs bullet-time and black trench-coats and dual-machine pistols, and this slavish devotion to a tired trope is the utter death of creativity. Until Hollywood comes up with something new, fresh, and daring, something to unseat the previous generation, I’ll stick with my eighties action movies filled with explodium, homoeroticism, and so-bad-they’re-lethal puns.

  5. Sorry but I really like Underworld, yes the second one is not as good but are they really that bad? Do actauly watch gothic/vamp movies…this one is amazing..sorry but your wrong.

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