“They Kick High.”

The Worst Movie EVER!

The Big Week of (Philip K.) Dick commences October1,

but in the meantime Dead or Alive is the Worst (Meh-est?) Movie EVER!

NOTE: If the show sounds a little static-filled this time around, it’s because I forgot to recalibrate my mixer after lending it to Daryl Surat during Anime Weekend Atlanta. I’ve fixed the problem; it shouldn’t happen again. (I sent the DVD back to Netflix without capturing any screens or sound effects, so here are some images swiped from Google Imagesearch.)

This film contains:

Purple Hair!

Purple Hair! (Thanks, IGN!)

Oooh, in the rain no less.

Girl Fights!

Mmm...delicious.

CHEESECAKE.

COMING SOON!

Peter Weller in Screamers

The Second Variety? I thought this was RoboCop 2…”

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17 Responses

  1. Awesome! Also, check out Teleport City’s review: http://www.teleport-city.com/movies/dvdjournal/2007/05/doa-dead-or-alive.html

    Which contains the deathless phrase, “…the games tap into the fundamental desire of just about all guys to, at least for a while, be a really hot chick.”

  2. You forget to mention that Devon Aoki played Miho in the film adaptation of Sin City

  3. I love “Screamers”. It prepared me for the flying saw drones in Half-Life 2. Paul, you know we are only one-degree away from Buckaroo Banzai, the *real* “Greatest Movie Ever”!

  4. You want purple hair? You need to watch the old TV series UFO — it’s full of purple-haired moon chicks in metallic silver miniskirts.

  5. I hereby am placing one Sean “Hollywood” Hunting on THE LIST for the grievous and heinous crime of stating that Devon “Was Repeatedly Hit In the Face With a Shovel” Aoki was tolerable in War because she was speaking Japanese.

    For you see, Devon Aoki speaking Japanese in War is the SINGLE, ABSOLUTE WORST SPOKEN JAPANESE I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Without a doubt, without question. Worse than any 80s action movie. Worse than even the Bugs Bunny cartoons from the 1950s where the Japanese guys would just scream gibberish. Her super-extended scene where she asks for a salad is the most godawful terrible thing I’ve seen in the cinema this year. At least her acting was so abysmal that we couldn’t stop laughing hysterically, which is more that can be said for anything in DOA that isn’t Kevin Nash trying to be Hulk Hogan.

    Incidentally, War isn’t as bad a movie as everyone told me it would be despite not living up to its trailer. I doubt I’ll be buying it, but no way is it The Worst Movie EVER!

    Especially not when Bloodrayne 2 awaits.

  6. Is Devon Aoki even Japanese? I thought she was an American, and thus her speaking Japanese is probably about as tolerable as me speaking Japanese. How does this women have a career? At least Maggie Q makes up for her dubious acting chops by being hot.

    And if you like the purple-haired chick in this movie, then you’ll love BLOODRAYNE 2, where she teams up with TOM CODY to beat up Billy the Kid (Billy the Kid, Billy Fish — Tom Cody has a problem with guys named Billy).

    I’m just kidding. No one will love BLOODRAYNE 2.

  7. Devon Aoki is half Japanese. Her father is Hiroaki Aoki, the founder of the Benihana restaurant chain. She is an American citizen by birth.

    Maggie Q is also Eurasian. She is half Vietnamese. She was pretty bad in her Hong Kong films. I used to think that her bad acting was due to her not speaking Cantonese, but I guess I was wrong.

  8. Maggie Q looks like she is made from pipe cleaners.

    I don’t know why you guys have a problem with Devon Aoki. I think she looks…just fine.

  9. Bummer… I for a little while I thought/hoped this would be was a review of that other Dead or Alive (Takashi Miike’s one), because that really is the greatest movie ever. Oh well… maybe another time?

  10. I’m doing my best not to pick on “race versus nationality,” but I’m going to fail. If Devon Aoki is born in America, she’s an American. If She’s born in Japan, she’s Japanese. I don’t think nations like to grant partial citizenship, which means Japanese-American isn’t real, as Japan and America are countries, not races. And I think Maggie Q is Canadian. And skinny. So maybe you’d call her Canadiasian?

    I just like picking fights about race vs. nationality.

    If you want a beautiful scene, watch Maggie Q (Canadian, not Eurasian — but I think I’ve poked in those sensitivities enough) and Daniel Wu emoting to one another in NAKED WEAPON.

  11. I hate to argue about race versus nation, but here I go…

    America has no race (except Native Americans). America is a nation-state constructed around several key philosophical principals of the enlightenment (such as capitalism, individual rights, and representation/taxation).

    However, Japan is both a nation and a race. The Japanese kingdom/nation-state is firmly built around a common ethnic ancestry. Most “old world” nation-states are based around a common ethnic history or ancestry.

    America is different because almost all Americans draw their lineage from another country. Most Americans have a duel identity, which is a combination of their genetic ethnicity and their national identity.

    No one is just plain American (except Native Americans). Most people are [fill in ethnicity]-American. American identity will always be a mix of different ethnic, cultural, and social attributes.

    On the other hand, citizenship is more “black and white”. Either you are a citizen of one country or you are not. It’s more of a legal classification for the purposes of laws and taxation.

    Citizenship is only one part of one’s identity. That’s it…

    On another note, I’m a big supporter of Dan Wu. He is a pretty good actor and a cool guy to hang with…

  12. You’re right, and I concede the point about ethnicity vs. nationality, though I remain dubious of your claims regarding Daniel Wu’s acting prowess, though I have no doubt he’d be an awesome guy to hang out with. And in the end, one of us rolled around nake don a beach with Maggie Q, and one of us is sitting at home in his underwear writing blog comments, so I doubt Dan is losing any sleep over my lack of enthusiasm regarding the acting he’s done in movies I’ve seen. I will say that, if nothing else, he’s considerably better than Michael Wong.

  13. Hee. I love how people will simultaneously tell me that race is unimportant and shouldn’t matter to anyone, and that I don’t get to have one because I was born in America.

  14. Keith, I will admit my opinion of Dan’s films are heavy influenced by my personal friendships.

  15. I don’t know why Devon Aoki cops so much online
    flack. She’s never bragged about what a great
    actress she is. She’s essentially a very successful
    model who moonlights as an actress in her spare time.

    Give her a break.

    Justin

    The Devon Aoki Appreciation Society
    http://geocities.com/lovelydevonaoki

  16. Devon Aoki gets no breaks because she can’t act and she’s not that good looking. What are we supposed to celebrate? Her crushing mediocrity?

  17. I live in Japan and walking down any high street in Japan you could see a hundred girls better looking than Devon Aoki. How she became so famous as a model with a face that looks like it’s been through a mangle is anyone’s guess. Presumably she was chosen for the role in War because her supermodel status would help with the promotion of the film in the US. But hey, that’s Hollywood for you, big on budget but intellectually bankrupt and culturally illiterate. All I can say is “Jet, for god’s sake stop working with these people, they’ll ruin your reputation. Stuff Hollywood and work with Chinese directors again. “

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