An Africa without Elvira (or Harrison Ford)


Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold is the Worst Movie EVER. But even so, I still love you, Golan-Globus! Come back to me; all is forgiven!

2 Minutes, 1 Second In:

Mom punks me out with the promise of home-baked goodness.

4 Minutes, 7 Seconds In and 10 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

Shenanigans are called on Indiana Jones and J.R.R. Tolkien, respectively.

14 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Henry Silva as Agon. This guy loves his job.

18 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:

Sharon Stone channeling Kate Capshaw. Yeah, she’s like this the whole movie.

And finally:

James Earl Jones as Umslopogaas. We suspect he’s actually Stromnir the Mighty’s brother by another mother.

That’s it for now. Until next time. PEACE!

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9 Responses

  1. Goob’s right, Mom. Stay away from those dens of scum and villainy they pass off as conventions these days for your own good. Maybe a decade ago it could be cautiously recommended, but NO MORE. The Truth is far too blinding as of late.

  2. I hereby express strong pre-emptive opposition towards classifying Godzilla: Final Wars as the Worst Movie EVER. Not only is Ryuhei Kitamura totally awesome–ESPECIALLY when he did the Twin Snakes cutscenes–but the Roland Emmerich Godzilla is obliterated with authority in mere seconds, just like every other fight in the film. Yes, despite your omnipresent Godzilla motif, your failure to classify Godzilla Final Wars as the Greatest Movie EVER! is erroneous. Don’t fall into the trap of hating on this movie, because then you’d be no better than the people who consider themselves part of tokusatsu fandom. If you do, then the only way to make up for it is to take your mom to the anime conventions, starting with Metrocon: Amano’s World. And you have to skip out on work so you can go on Saturday too. That is the acceptable tradeoff.

    You want a real Worst Movie EVER!, I think you’ve done all the necessary preparations. You’ve watched Underworld, Underworld: Evolution, Resident Evil, and Resident Evil: Apocalypse. I think your brain is now prepared to give us a suitable review of…

    Ultraviolet.

    Do it. DO IT.

  3. I’m sorry, Daryl. The truth must be told. Godzilla: Final Wars is a cinematic abomination, and my hatred for it burns with a passion hotter than the hearts of ten-thousand suns.

    Besides, my hatin’ on Final Wars is canceled out by my lovin’ on Gunhed, which I plan to do a gooey, gushing review for at some later date.

    And yes, Ultraviolet is already on the List. Whether it will be Greatest or Worst is yet to be determined, for I have not yet watched it, but I suspect that it will be so face-meltingly bad that it will shunt me sideways through space and time into a dimension of PURE ROCK!!!

  4. For god’s sake man, Mothra suicide-bombing Gigan has to be worth something in that black heart of yours.

  5. I do address the “flaming Mothra” issue in the podcast. In a nutshell, Mothra and Gigan are two of my favorite giant monsters, and I assert that their treatment in the film is less than satisfactory.

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  8. Did someone say Gunhed? Holy cow, I remember fansubbing that thing may back in college–and I only had the Viz manga adaptation for a script!

    Mmmm….Brenda Bakke…

    I’ve got a personal wishlist of films I’d like to see reviewed by the stalwart souls of the podcast. Whether or not these can be classified as “Greatest” or “Worst” remains to be seen:

    Shaolin Soccer
    The Fifth Element
    The Ice Pirates
    Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn
    Megaforce (Barry Bostwick AND Persis Khambatta? Oh God yes)

    …and perhaps most of all…

    Starcrash (with the delectable Caroline Munro, a young David Hasselhoff and a space fortress shaped like a hand that CLENCHES INTO A FIST when the good guys attack)

  9. Ice Pirates was the movie that made me realize I had to do the podcast in the first place; that movie cracks open entire new dimensions of awesomeness. It’s definitely on The List, but again I promised Eddie and Julian that one, and they’re in Miami with no present method of telecommuting, so it may take a while to get that together.

    Fifth Element is on The List as well. I’m still debating whether it’s Worst or Greatest.

    I don’t know about Shaolin Soccer. I don’t much care for Stephen Chow, and I hear Harvey Weinsten aka “Harvey Scissorhands”, really did a number on that one.

    Metalstorm, Megaforce, and Starcrash are all strong possibilities, but I don’t know if they’re available on DVD…I’ll keep my eyes peeled.–>

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