Are You Ready for Some Conan?

Strap on your fur loincloth, because Conan the Barbarian is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  By Krom, this movie is homoerotic!

This film contains:

Arnold Schwarzenneger in various fruity costumes.

James Earl Jones, Master of Mesmerism.

Trucker Mustaches.

Tremendous Snake Face.

Advertisements

29 Responses

  1. Yes, John Milius is awesome and this is truly a great movie. The score is fantastic and the cinematography is breathtaking.

  2. Also as a native born Californian I would like to point out that Arnold brought the Conan sword to a budget meeting: http://www.granateseed.com/futilepodcast/2008-04-08-did-he-finish/

  3. I was so excited that you guys were reviewing this movie, because it is my favorite movie of all time. Little let down by the podcast, but like you said with the Dawn of the Dead podcast, that will happen when you review more popular movies.
    That aside, I was shocked that you guys did not mention the music by Basil Poledouris. It’s one of the most epic elements of the movie.
    Anyway, you guys still rock.
    Really looking forward to the Conan the Destroyer podcast with mom.

  4. Good lord, this was an amazing episode. I truly enjoy when Dave and Joel co-host. There were so many moments I couldn’t stop laughing.

    Conan is indeed one of The Greatest Movie Ever. I look forward to the show with Mom, on Conan The Destroyer.

    @Dave. BTW, Thorgrim (man who got a spike in his chest) was most notably seen last in Gladiator. He was the retired gladiator sent to battle Maximus, 1v1, along with the tigers. How could you not remember? 😛 ^_~

  5. Maybe I couldn’t remember because that scene had FUCKING TIGERS.

    Am I allowed to talk about how much I like Gladiator here? Because whenever I mention it around my girlfriend/her friends they’re always like BLAH BLAH BLAH GLADIATOR NOT THAT GOOD. And I’m like “Fuck you that movie was SWEET!” Truly it was, even if Russel Crowe does have dicks for a face.

  6. Conan the Barbarian = greatest movie ever, indeed.
    Conan the Destroyer = not so much.

    For me, the best thing about this movie is the DVD commentary with Milius and Arnold. During one of the training scenes, a guy laughs and ends up getting kicked in the crotch for his insult. On the commentary track, Arnold cracks up about that for like five minutes, wheezing and choking as he sputters, “Ahhh ha ha, they hit him the balls!!! Ha ha, he was laughing at Conan, but he’s not laughing now!”

    And Dave, Gladiator is awesome. Anyone who says otherwise or begins their critique with the phrase, “Actually, it contains a lot of historical fact errors, such as…” deserves to get kicked in the balls and then have Arnold stand there and laugh about how they just got kicked in the balls.

    Has anyone ever read the original Oliver Stone script? That really needs to get made as well.

  7. Oh man, I nearly wet myself laughing when I first listened to the audio commentary and Arnold starts to laugh. It is one of the greatest audio moments in recorded history.
    That commentary is one of my favorites.

    The actor who played Thorgrim is Sven Thorsen, he has been in a lot of Arnold movies like the Running Man, Predator, and End of Days.

  8. Gladiator is awesome. When people try to convince you otherwise, stab them and shout at others nearby “are you not entertained!”

    Disappointment with this podcast is inevitable. It’s Conan. It can’t compare to it’s subject matter.

  9. Why do you keep inviting those two retards for co-hosting ? They’re not smart, not funny, and generally annoying with those dumbfuck commentaries they’re generally known for.

  10. Regarding the cinematography, I thought many scenes in Conan looked like they were lifted from Frank Frazetta paintings. It turns out that was what they were going for, so they succeeded in that regard.

    The score of the film did not impress me, especially during the scenes where Conan and his band of thieves invade the orgy. I understand why they used circus music there, but the overall effect was campy. Perhaps it’s because I’ve heard pieces of the Conan score endlessly recycled in other films. Ideally, I want a score to be so well integrated into a film as to be almost invisible. It’s hard to do that when you’re shooting for a big, epic sound.

    I still don’t think Conan needs an origin story. Some people enjoy that whole chunk of film, but I’d rather be watching him punch camels in the face.

    As for why I invite Dave and Joel to guest on my podcast, they are my friends and I enjoy working with them. A lot of people get a kick out of what they do. So far, you’re the only dissenting voice in that regard, Karry. But that’s cool. Everybody likes and dislikes different things, and that’s one reason I use a variety of co-hosts.

  11. “punching camels in the face” Wow Goob. That makes a great blog title. I have to steal now.

  12. I know Dave and Joel as the two caveman thugs who always come around to my school to get the kids to use and/or sell drugs. For the past four months, I have been training to finally put them in their place. Are you with me, Karry? Because there’s only one way to take them down…

    Banana Way!

  13. I know what you mean about some scores. I think it depends on the kind of movie and Conan is indeed a movie that requires a score that bursts forth in a few places. A more serious film might have a score that is subtle but such a score is usually pretty bland. I guess it’s a catch 22 of sorts.

  14. I still haven’t gotten around to screencapping Conan for my podcast. But I’m right though, Thulsa Doom has Cher hair. Great podcast Paul. Your two usual misfits are funny as always.

  15. The day Conan goes for subtlety is the day we all die inside.

  16. You axed for an axe so we added an axe to your axe so you can axe your axe while your axing.

    🙂

  17. Amen Keith, the words “Conan” and “subtlety” are meant to go together like kittens are meant to defuse timebombs.

  18. I think the main problem with Gladiator is that you often forget how 75% of that movie is actually just Joachim Phoenix crying and being all BOO HOO HOO about how much he wants to have sex with his sister and not Russell Crowe unleashing hell. Wikipedia says the real Commodus once killed 100 lions in a day, decapitated a charging ostrich WITH A DART, and singlehandedly slew 3 elephants. I think I would own that movie if THAT was what the non-Russell Crowe were about. Ridley Scott’s track record isn’t really the best, but I think Black Hawk Down broke him out of his slump.

    I dig the subtle Wikipedia sabotage present in the Conan the Barbarian entry, stating that the upcoming 2010 Conan film will be directed by Brett Ratner. I wish they’d gone further and mentioned the involvement of Chris Tucker. “AWWW DAYUUUUM GIRL, SHE DONE JUMPED OFF CAUSE I SAID SO! DAT IS STRENGTH, BOYEEEE! DAT IS *POW*-WA!”

  19. “I wish they’d gone further and mentioned the involvement of Chris Tucker”

    God he annoys me. I even get annoyed at the Chris Tucker parody in that episode of Family Guy.

  20. Really, though, would Brett Ratner be any worse than Tracey Walter and the Komedy Konan we got in Conan The Destroyer? When Grace Jones shakes her butt at the camera and it’s accompanied by a little “dingalingaling” effect on the soundtrack, then you know you are far, far away from the “two stood against many” speech.

    Aside: Gerry Lopez is my all-time favorite surfer.

    Aside Aside: Daryl, some day I will invite you to lay down by my fi-yah.

  21. Daryl sums up my feelings on Gladiator pretty well. Although I do like the moment where Maximus comes home to discover his wife and son crucified. That was hilarious.

    As far as Russell Crow movies go, I’m more fond of Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, which is so manly as to have no principal female characters whatsoever.

  22. Although I do like the moment where Maximus comes home to discover his wife and son crucified. That was hilarious.”

    I don’t think you’re supposed to laugh at a kid getting crucified. However, the scene kinda loses it when you get a closeup of Russel Crowe and a face full of moist boogers. I know they were trying to show how torn up Maximus was but you just can’t help but laugh.

  23. As far as Russell Crow movies go, I’m more fond of Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, which is so manly as to have no principal female characters whatsoever.

    While I’ve always liked Gladiator, I also agree with Daryl about Brett Ratner on Conan. As much as I like Beverly Hills Cop, I’d rather see Ratner torpedo that franchise with Tucker in the lead then find some barely believable reason for Tucker to be in Conan. While there are people in the Conanverse who are dark skinned, I don’t think they come from Atlanta.

    Also I second what Goob said about Master and Commander. It’s just a film about two groups of men, French and English, trying to blow the crap out of each other 3,000 miles away from home. What more can you want from a war film?

  24. “As far as Russell Crowe movies go, I’m more fond of Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, which is so manly as to have no principal female characters whatsoever.”

    I concur. It’s so manly that it’s got 13-year-old Max Pirkis as Midshipman Blakeney, who loses an arm as a result of combat.

  25. “I concur. It’s so manly that it’s got 13-year-old Max Pirkis as Midshipman Blakeney, who loses an arm as a result of combat.”

    Yep. You know when the pre-teen cast of your film can get maimed, you’re onto a winner.

  26. He loses an arm…AND THEN KEEPS RUSHING INTO BATTLES! Now that kid was bad-ass.

    And I agree with the consensus. I like Gladiator a lot, but I love Master and Commander, as it is a film constructed largely around Russel Crowe striking awesome adventure poses while holding a spyglass and standing atop various riggings and such. And in place of Commodus freak-outs, it has two manly men playing the violin and cello in the manliest way possible.

    Smoke and oakum, boys. Smoke and oakum.

  27. “And in place of Commodus freak-outs, it has two manly men playing the violin and cello in the manliest way possible.”

    Let’s not forget dining on the food at the time. Nothing says manly like eating hardtack that may or may not contain weevils. They also ate toasted cheese which I have been told is actually quite tasty. however, I think I’ll just take the speaker’s word for it not try for myself

  28. […] two-fold extravaganza.  First the selection of movies which have included The Last Starfighter, Conan: The Barbarian, Xanadu, and Django. There is no film that Paul will not try to tackle.  The second part is the […]

  29. Its high time for some Conan the destroyer. Until then enjoy this.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: