Category Archives: Fantasy

God Bless Uwe Boll


It doesn’t take a rocket-scientist to realize that BloodRayne is the Worst Movie EVER. And yet, I think the entire world should watch it. Everyone must know my pain.

 

On a side note, if it sounds like my voice is being strained through the guts of a cybernetic monkey, that’s because I had one of the quality settings incorrect when I recorded this. I apologize in advance.

 

2 Minutes, 57 Seconds In:

Kristanna Loken. She’s a cutie.

 

3 Minutes, 18 Seconds In:

Sir Ben Kingsley in another outrageous wig.
This is the only expression he uses in the entire film.

 

5 Minutes, 2 Seconds In:

Michael Madsen does not know how to swing a sword.

 

5 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

Damostir, Kagan’s chief thrall. I dig his punk-rock haircut.

 

9 Minutes, 41 Seconds In:

MEATLOAF!!! OH SNAP!

 

CLOSING THOUGHT!
For all those that are not yet convinced
that this movie was made under the influence of intoxicating substances:

Purple haze / up in my brain!

 

COMING SOON!

This photo makes me think naughty things.

Greg Saves Ancient China

The Lost Empire aka “The Monkey King” is the Greatest Mini-Series EVER. Don’t believe us? Does any other mini-series have…


…Bai Ling as a goddess in disguise?


…Terra cotta warriors?


…Pig-men and humorless monks?

14 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Saving Throw vs. Eighties Pop Culture…failed.

15 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

OH SNAP! A REAL TIGER!

16 Minutes, 14 Seconds In:

In case you can’t tell from the picture, that’s Greg with a fly’s body. Or perhaps a fly with Greg’s head.

FINAL THOUGHT:

Wait a minute…

It’s a trap!!!

COMING SOON!

“Skinnamarinky dinky dink, Skinnamarinky doo, Nemmy luv you!”

Now with 30% More Hungarian MIAK.

Ernest Scared Stupid is undeniably the Greatest Movie EVER.
It’s funny. And it’s frightening, too.

 

O Minutes, 45 Seconds In:

Eartha Kitt is frightening. She looks like Dahlia from Silent Hill.

 

1 Minute, 30 Seconds In:

I don’t care what Hollywood says, this troll is both scary and frightening.

 

2 Minutes, 56 Seconds In:

See? Even Ernest is frightening.

 

3 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

These are the frightening bullies. They’re frightening.
Okay, they’re not really frightening, but one’s got a mullet and the other’s carrying an invisible shot-gun. Would you really want to mess with them?

 

12 Minutes, 1 Second In:

When Trantor the Troll goes all Super-Shredder on us, he’s not just frightening. He’s terrifying.

 

And speaking of terrifying…

 

COMING SOON!

That’s right, Dave Riley. I went there…

An Africa without Elvira (or Harrison Ford)


Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold is the Worst Movie EVER. But even so, I still love you, Golan-Globus! Come back to me; all is forgiven!

2 Minutes, 1 Second In:

Mom punks me out with the promise of home-baked goodness.

4 Minutes, 7 Seconds In and 10 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

Shenanigans are called on Indiana Jones and J.R.R. Tolkien, respectively.

14 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Henry Silva as Agon. This guy loves his job.

18 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:

Sharon Stone channeling Kate Capshaw. Yeah, she’s like this the whole movie.

And finally:

James Earl Jones as Umslopogaas. We suspect he’s actually Stromnir the Mighty’s brother by another mother.

That’s it for now. Until next time. PEACE!

When all else fails, Recycle!

Underworld: Evolution is the Worst Movie EVER. It’s even worse than the original Underworld, which was also the Worst Movie EVER. So it’s the worst of the worst. Not to be confused with the worst of the wurst, because even bad wurst is good wurst.

In all honesty, this episode was recorded quite some time ago. I was saving it for a rainy day, and since I spent this last weekend traveling to Miami and back to help my good friend Eddy prepare for Carousel, I’ve been too swamped to record another podcast. But fear not, intrepid listeners, we have more good stuff coming down the pipe in the near future!

Being a brief illustration of what werewolves should look like:

This is the “Crinos” form,
as per Werewolf: The Apocalypse from White Wolf Games.


This is what the werewolves in Underworld: Evolution resemble.

`Nuff said.

7 Dollars of Pure Cinematic Pain!

Dungeons & Dragons is the Worst Movie EVER. (Although the `80s cartoon was pretty cool.)

2 Minutes, 49 Seconds In:

Sure, she’s hot and the steel bustier is downright sexy, but what self-respecting elf would wield a crossbow!?!

6 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

Ridley Freeborn shops at Toys-R-Us.

6 Minutes, 33 Seconds In:

WTF?

13 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

Clear evidence that Dungeons & Dragons is the domain of El Diablo. See Jack Chick’s “Dark Dungeons” cartoon to learn how we may combat this insidious plot to ensnare our children.

14 Minutes, 51 Second In:

The universe’s only Fat Elf.

16 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

PURPLE HAZE / UP IN MY BRAIN!

20 Minutes, 49 Seconds In:

Tragedy strikes when the crew members realize the true horror of the Dungeons & Dragons movie…

Dragons: 1 , Stromnir: Zero

Reign of Fire is the Greatest Worst Movie EVER. Or the Worst Greatest Movie EVER. We’re not sure.

 

It has dragons in it.

No, seriously. They breath fire and everything. And apparently, they wiped out the dinosaurs. All of the ones that weren’t safely sequestered in the Appatosaurus Preserve, that is.

 

15 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:

Getting ready for it…

 


Yes, folks. They even filmed it from underneath.

 


GO, STROMNIR, GO!!!

 

Sadly, shortly after this episode was recorded, the entire dinosaur population of the Appatosaurus Preserve was wiped out by an unknown assailant wielding a giant, freakin’ axe. Witnesses report that the assailant was heard shouting: “Yaaar, filthy dragons, taste the wrath of me blade!” The cryptic message “STROMNIR LIVES!” was found painted in dinosaur blood at the scene of the slaughter.

A composite sketch of the assailant, created by police artists.

Bold, New Universes of Suck…

The Chronicles of Riddick podcast is now available for your listening consumption.

 4 minutes, 5 Seconds In:
These are the Necromonger, from Chronicles of Riddick:

Yeah.

13 Minutes, 59 Seconds In:
This is Dual-Wieldy Scythe-Guy.
He does not realize that two-handed, double-blade scythes
are not good for dual-wielding.
Isn’t life grand?

New Age Propaganda

This week, Mom and I tackle The Dark Crystal.

 

3 Minutes, 12 seconds In:

The Skeksis: Guaranteed to Scare Little Children or Your Money Back!

 

3 Minutes, 47 seconds In:

JERRY GARCIA!?!

 

7 Minutes, 17 seconds In:

The Garthim, for all your Giant, Marauding Beetle Needs.

 

17 Minutes, 24 seconds In:

Puppet Nudity! Dear Heavens, think of the Children!

 

18 Minutes, 4 seconds In:

Too much M-TV, man.

 

That’s it for this week! Visit again next week for more of the Greatest Movie EVER!

Attack of the Lichens!

Another week has gone by, and with it comes another Podcast, featuring a review of the execrable Underworld, a piece of sentient cinematic slime that oozed its way out of the primordial soup and permanently into the consciousness of the Almighty Gooberzilla. Seriously, this film is a sore on my brain. Watch it at your own peril.