The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast
Reviewing only the finest films in the history of cinema. And robots, too.
Hands down, The Million Dollar Hotel is the Worst Movie EVER!
In fact, the film was so bad, I didn’t want to slog through it a third time hunting for screen-caps.
So here’s a couple pics I stole off of Google Image Search:
Milla Jovovich and Jeremy Davies as Eloise and TomTom, respectively.
They hail from the Land of Bad Haircuts.
This film makes Kitty sad. 😦
Despite featuring Halle Berry in skin-tight leather, Catwoman is the Worst Movie EVER.
7 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:
What the Internet is actually used for…
10 Minutes, 35 Seconds In:
Benjamin Bratt. He’s handsome, but he’s no Mark Dacascos.
11 Minutes, 12 Seconds In:
Sharon Stone plays a washed-up, alcoholic model whose beauty is fading and whose glory days are long since past.
I wonder if you’d call this method-acting?
ZING!
The many faces of Halle Berry:
Cute.
Slimey, but still cute.
Sassy.
On ur rooftops, stealin’ ur laundryz.
It doesn’t take a rocket-scientist to realize that BloodRayne is the Worst Movie EVER. And yet, I think the entire world should watch it. Everyone must know my pain.
On a side note, if it sounds like my voice is being strained through the guts of a cybernetic monkey, that’s because I had one of the quality settings incorrect when I recorded this. I apologize in advance.
2 Minutes, 57 Seconds In:
Kristanna Loken. She’s a cutie.
3 Minutes, 18 Seconds In:
Sir Ben Kingsley in another outrageous wig.
This is the only expression he uses in the entire film.
5 Minutes, 2 Seconds In:
Michael Madsen does not know how to swing a sword.
5 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:
Damostir, Kagan’s chief thrall. I dig his punk-rock haircut.
9 Minutes, 41 Seconds In:
MEATLOAF!!! OH SNAP!
CLOSING THOUGHT!
For all those that are not yet convinced
that this movie was made under the influence of intoxicating substances:
Purple haze / up in my brain!
COMING SOON!
This photo makes me think naughty things.
Despite its mad, l33t catering skillz, A Sound of Thunder is the Worst Movie EVER.
2 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:
Sir Ben Kingsley in a truly horrendous wig. Note also the champagne fountain.
9 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:
BABOONASAURUSES! BA-BOON-A-SAURUSES!
10 Minutes, 45 Seconds In:
A city-scape scene in A Sound of Thunder. Note how obviously blue-screened the background is…
12 Minutes, 24 Seconds In:
It’s a bad sign when your Allosaurus Ice Sculpture looks better than your Allosaurus. Also, caterers get no love.
COMING SOON!
Next time, assuming no cataclysmic space-time catastrophes interfere and we actually get the bloody show recorded, we hope to take a stab at this:
Stab. Bloody. Get it?
Despite pre-emptive protests by Daryl Surat from AnimeWorldOrder, Godzilla: Final Wars is the Worst Movie EVER.
Fair Warning:
You will need these if you wish to survive Godzilla: Final Wars.
2 Minutes, 24 Seconds In:
Ummm… I think I’ve seen this scene somewhere before?
5 Minutes, 58 Seconds In:
Josef Stalin saves the Universe!
14 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:
Minya-Jesus.
16 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:
I don’t know what he’s laughing about…
The Fashion-Police are about to serve an arrest warrant.
20 Minutes, 6 Seconds In – 21 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:
Despite Mom’s heartiest efforts to stop the downward spiral into madness, the Almighty Gooberzilla loses his frickin’ mind.
Oh yeah, and apparently Godzilla’s in this movie, too.
COMING SOON!
“I belieeeeeeeeeve I can flyyyyyyyyyyy…”
Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold is the Worst Movie EVER. But even so, I still love you, Golan-Globus! Come back to me; all is forgiven!
2 Minutes, 1 Second In:
Mom punks me out with the promise of home-baked goodness.
4 Minutes, 7 Seconds In and 10 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:
Shenanigans are called on Indiana Jones and J.R.R. Tolkien, respectively.
14 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:
Henry Silva as Agon. This guy loves his job.
18 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:
Sharon Stone channeling Kate Capshaw. Yeah, she’s like this the whole movie.
And finally:
James Earl Jones as Umslopogaas. We suspect he’s actually Stromnir the Mighty’s brother by another mother.
That’s it for now. Until next time. PEACE!
Underworld: Evolution is the Worst Movie EVER. It’s even worse than the original Underworld, which was also the Worst Movie EVER. So it’s the worst of the worst. Not to be confused with the worst of the wurst, because even bad wurst is good wurst.
In all honesty, this episode was recorded quite some time ago. I was saving it for a rainy day, and since I spent this last weekend traveling to Miami and back to help my good friend Eddy prepare for Carousel, I’ve been too swamped to record another podcast. But fear not, intrepid listeners, we have more good stuff coming down the pipe in the near future!
Being a brief illustration of what werewolves should look like:
This is the “Crinos” form,
as per Werewolf: The Apocalypse from White Wolf Games.
This is what the werewolves in Underworld: Evolution resemble.
`Nuff said.
The Core is the Worst Movie EVER. We blame Daryl Surat over at AnimeWorldOrder for inflicting this cinematic atrocity on our psyches, and we swear upon the ghost of M.D. Geist and the ruins of the Brain Palace that vengeance shall be ours. Well, not really…we still love you, Daryl, in a completely heterosexual and non-threatening way.
Also, new installations in the Appatosaurus Preserve now allow us to record and publish an episode across vast gulfs of time, space, and probability without sounding like we’re shouting from inside a tin out-house. (Translation: We got some new software; the podcast should sound better than before.)
3 Minutes, 27 Seconds In:
D.J. Qualls surrenders. We do, too.
10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:
It’s just a little scratch. He could be okay…
Ummm…
…maybe not.
16 Minutes, 4 Seconds – 16 Minutes, 36 Seconds In:
Bishopcruz loses his frickin’ mind.
18 Minutes, 21 Seconds In:
ZEUS HATES ROME!!!
21 Minutes, 0 Seconds In – 21 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:
Invoking the Avatar of Warwick Davis, the Almighty Gooberzilla calls Supreme Shenanigans(TM).
NEW FEATURE! COMING SOON! A taste of what’s in store in the next Greatest Movie EVER Podcast.
Somebody set us up the bomb.
Cheers, mate.
Dungeons & Dragons is the Worst Movie EVER. (Although the `80s cartoon was pretty cool.)
2 Minutes, 49 Seconds In:
Sure, she’s hot and the steel bustier is downright sexy, but what self-respecting elf would wield a crossbow!?!
6 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:
Ridley Freeborn shops at Toys-R-Us.
6 Minutes, 33 Seconds In:
WTF?
13 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:
Clear evidence that Dungeons & Dragons is the domain of El Diablo. See Jack Chick’s “Dark Dungeons” cartoon to learn how we may combat this insidious plot to ensnare our children.
14 Minutes, 51 Second In:
The universe’s only Fat Elf.
16 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:
PURPLE HAZE / UP IN MY BRAIN!
20 Minutes, 49 Seconds In:
Tragedy strikes when the crew members realize the true horror of the Dungeons & Dragons movie…
You’re in luck! Two podcasts in as many days, featuring my first subterranean adventure with George and Angel as we delve elbow-deep into the soul-staining murk of The Fantastic Four!
No show-notes, though. You’re not that lucky.
The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast 