Reviewing only the finest films in the history of cinema. And robots, too.
I’m busy this week with homework and magazine deadlines, so instead of a normal GME! episode, I’m posting a link to my guest appearance on Jon Brescia’s book club podcast, in which Jon and I discussed Umberto Eco’s deconstructionist conspiracy theory novel, Foucault’s Pendulum. As usual, spoilers abound. Click on the book cover or title above to download the podcast.
Sharpen up those sais, because Enter the Ninja is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring Sean “Hollywood” Hunting.
Review in a Nutshell: The progenitor of the Eighties Ninja Craze, Enter the Ninja is a low-budget shinobi caper with a strangely dry sense of humor. Watch it for hook-handed German henchmen, cock-fighting, arrow gags, and Franco Nero’s fabulous mustache.
Fire up the afterburners, because The Final Countdown is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Click on the DVD cover or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring Celebrity Translator Neil Nadelman.
Review in a Nutshell: A military documentary masquerading as a time travel film, The Final Countdown has some amazing visuals of modern technology in action. Don’t expect a deep exploration of alternative histories or time paradoxes, though.
Hold onto your golden tickets, because Last Action Hero is (probably not) the Greatest Movie EVER!
Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring shameless Last Action Hero apologist, Sean ‘Hollywood’ Hunting.
Review in a Nutshell: Part meta-narrative. Part satire of violent Eighties action movies. Part heart-warming children’s film. Last Action Hero is a film with an identity crisis.
Hoist the anchor and mind the mizzenmast, because Sinbad (1989) is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Click on the VHS cover or the movie title above to download our review of the film, featuring guest host Keith Allison of Teleport City and The Mysterious Order of the Skeleton Suit.
Review in a Nutshell: A delightfully lunatic children’s fantasy hobbled by dreadful pacing and a bare-bones budget, Sinbad is nevertheless the Greatest Movie EVER to feature sock-puppet piranhas, rock monsters, and Lou Ferrigno punching his meaty fist through the Legions of the Damned.
This movie contains:
A Lost Viking.
Amazons.
Glamazons.
John Steiner, Paragon of Acting Technology.
PURE MANLINESS!
(No Skeleton Suits were Harmed in the Creation of this Post.)
Gather up your magic power crystals, because Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review, featuring guest host Mike Toole. (He’s from the Internet.)
Review in a Nutshell: Shamelessly cribbing from numerous other films such as Mad Max and Star Wars, Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn is an inappropriately named piece of low-budget science fantasy. Originally released in stereoscopic 3-D, this ambitious but incomprehensible little gem has been rescued from obscurity by a terrible DVD release. (It’s also on Netflix Instant at the time of this writing.)
This movie contains:
Evil Australian Necromancers.
Cyborg Justice?
Jeffrey Byron’s One Facial Expression.
Crystar, the Crystal Warrior?
What’s wrong with your faaaaaaaace?
Watch out for dingos, because Quigley Down Under is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring Sean “Hollywood” Hunting.
Review in a Nutshell: A competently composed film set in the wild west of Australia, Quigley Down Under has solid performances, some dark undertones, and the coolest rifle in cinema history.
ERRATA: I meant Men at Work, not Men Without Hats. All of my music-related puns fail miserably.
Gas up the monster trucks, because Tango & Cash is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film,
featuring guest hosts Daryl and Gerald of AnimeWorldOrder and Guy Woodruff of DEEP HURTING.
Review in a Nutshell: Mere words fail to describe how truly bonkers this film really is. Tango & Cash was made in the Eighties; no further explanation is required.
This movie contains:
Marion Cobretti?
Enhanced Interrogation Techniques.
Kurt Russell, Master of Disguise.
Drum Solo!
Fuel up the jet pack and unpack the robot ninjas, because RoboCop 3 is definitely not the Greatest Movie EVER!
Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring Sean “Hollywood” Hunting.
Review in a Nutshell: Urban revolutionaries, machine gun arm attachments, and Mohawk-sporting goons…somehow it all goes terribly, terribly wrong in this film directed by Fred Dekker and written by Frank Miller. Not even Rip Torn can save this movie.
Zip up those yellow jumpsuits, because Turkey Shoot is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring Oliver from the Welcome to the Brain Palace Podcast.
Review in a Nutshell: An inexplicable mash-up of “women in prison” and “most dangerous game” films, Turkey Shoot is alternatively considered the apex and the nadir of Australian exploitation film.
This movie contains:
Friendly Fascists.
An Arrow Through the Mouth.
A Dapper Wolfman.
The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast 