More Cronenberg!


Spider is the Greatest Movie EVER. Seriously. I’m not being facetious here. It’s an awesome film.

 

0 Minutes, 47 Seconds In:

Ralph Fiennes as Dennis “Spider” Kleg.
It’s spelled “Ralph”. It’s pronounced “Ray”. DOES NOT COMPUTE…

 

3 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:

John Neville as Terrence. He’s a sad puppy.

 

8 Minutes, 20 Seconds In:

Gabriel Byrne giving the look of death. I’m glad he’s not my dad.

 

12 Minutes, 1 Second In:

Miranda Richardson nice…

…Miranda Richardson naughty.

 

16 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

We take a cheap-shot at Christopher Lloyd.

 

Until next time, we out! PEACE!

I lied.

Due to unforeseen circumstances beyond even my Mighty control, the Highlander 2: Renegade Version Podcast is hereby postponed until further notice. A multitude of factors went into making this decision, not the least of which: a broken Netflix DVD and various computer hiccups. I also moved into my new apartment (aka “The Pimp Krib”) this week, which is why this podcast is a wee bit late. I am now officially small pimpin’. One day I hope to graduate to medium pimpin’, or — dare I to dream? — big pimpin’.

 

Anyway…

The Punisher (1989) is the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

9 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

The Punisher loves kids.

 

However…


Kids do not love the Punisher.

 

15 Minutes In:

WTF?

 

CLOSING THOUGHT:

I’m not sure I’m comfortable with Tonka’s newest line of remote control trucks…

Now with 30% More Hungarian MIAK.

Ernest Scared Stupid is undeniably the Greatest Movie EVER.
It’s funny. And it’s frightening, too.

 

O Minutes, 45 Seconds In:

Eartha Kitt is frightening. She looks like Dahlia from Silent Hill.

 

1 Minute, 30 Seconds In:

I don’t care what Hollywood says, this troll is both scary and frightening.

 

2 Minutes, 56 Seconds In:

See? Even Ernest is frightening.

 

3 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

These are the frightening bullies. They’re frightening.
Okay, they’re not really frightening, but one’s got a mullet and the other’s carrying an invisible shot-gun. Would you really want to mess with them?

 

12 Minutes, 1 Second In:

When Trantor the Troll goes all Super-Shredder on us, he’s not just frightening. He’s terrifying.

 

And speaking of terrifying…

 

COMING SOON!

That’s right, Dave Riley. I went there…

More fun than a Nuclear-powered Ox-Cart…


Stealth, like Reign of Fire, is the Greatest Worst Movie EVER. (Not great enough to be Greatest, not worse enough to be Worst.)

 

1 Minutes, 4 Seconds In:

EDI, the star of this picture. If I were in charge, I would design all of my robot-pilot AIs with friendly, soothing green LEDs, rather than the angry, rebellious red ones.

 

10 Minutes, 23 Seconds In:

(…I’m sorry, was I supposed to write a comment here? I got a little…distracted…)

 

11 Minutes, 38 Seconds In:

OX-CART NUKES OMG!

 

21 Minutes, 6 Seconds In:

Ganesh, the Remover of Obstacles.

 

COMING SOON!

Just in time for the holidays, the most horrifying film to hit the screen!

AOL Conquers Mars.


DOOM is the Greatest Movie EVER. No, really. I’m serious. Stop laughing.

 

1 Minute, 34 Seconds In:

Karl Urban. He’s angsty and complicated, ladies.

 

14 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

The tragedy of TPTBS (Too Pretty To Be a Scientist) Syndrome.

 

23 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

Forget Chekhov’s gun. This movie has Chekhov’s BFG.

 

Final Thought:

“Hey! I am the star of this picture!”

Ryuhei Kitamura, Little Debbie, and a Taste of Doppelganger

Despite pre-emptive protests by Daryl Surat from AnimeWorldOrder, Godzilla: Final Wars is the Worst Movie EVER.

 

Fair Warning:

You will need these if you wish to survive Godzilla: Final Wars.

 

2 Minutes, 24 Seconds In:

Ummm… I think I’ve seen this scene somewhere before?

 

5 Minutes, 58 Seconds In:

Josef Stalin saves the Universe!

 

14 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

Minya-Jesus.

 

16 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

I don’t know what he’s laughing about…
The Fashion-Police are about to serve an arrest warrant.

 

20 Minutes, 6 Seconds In – 21 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Despite Mom’s heartiest efforts to stop the downward spiral into madness, the Almighty Gooberzilla loses his frickin’ mind.

 


Oh yeah, and apparently Godzilla’s in this movie, too.

 

COMING SOON!

“I belieeeeeeeeeve I can flyyyyyyyyyyy…”

An Africa without Elvira (or Harrison Ford)


Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold is the Worst Movie EVER. But even so, I still love you, Golan-Globus! Come back to me; all is forgiven!

2 Minutes, 1 Second In:

Mom punks me out with the promise of home-baked goodness.

4 Minutes, 7 Seconds In and 10 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

Shenanigans are called on Indiana Jones and J.R.R. Tolkien, respectively.

14 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Henry Silva as Agon. This guy loves his job.

18 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:

Sharon Stone channeling Kate Capshaw. Yeah, she’s like this the whole movie.

And finally:

James Earl Jones as Umslopogaas. We suspect he’s actually Stromnir the Mighty’s brother by another mother.

That’s it for now. Until next time. PEACE!

Head-butting and Hoover-like Anatomy.

Shaolin Executioners is the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

Fair warning, when I mixed this episode on my laptop, the voice levels sounded fine. But when I exported the file to other computers, for some reason Hollywood sounds a lot louder than me. I apologize for that. Next time we’ll take away his bull-horn, I promise.

 

I also apologize for the grainy nature of the following screen-caps. Unfortunately, the capture software refused to play the HK bootleg version of the film, so to capture these frames I had to fall back on the OOP Ground Zero legitimate American release, which unfortunately looks like a tenth-generation VHS transfer. Condolences.

 

3 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

VACUU-CROTCH! OH SNAP!

 

5 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

Li Li Li (aka Lilly Li) as “Crane Girl”. She’s a cutie.

 

6 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

It’s a good thing I blocked that strike with my face…

 

9 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

TIGER-STYLE!!!

 

16 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:

KUNG FU PIGGY-BACK!

 

COMING SOON!

Eat your heart out, Indiana Jones.

Smart Sharks with no Self-Esteem.

Deep Blue Sea is the Greatest Movie EVER.
Because those sharks are smart, you see.

 

1 Minute, 25 Seconds In:

LL Cool J. You better recognize, yo.

 

9 Minutes, 58 Second In – 10 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

If you think you’re having a bad day…

…trying being used as a Shark-O-Ram(TM).

 

14 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Forget Snakes on a Plane. This movie has Sharks on a Motivational Speaker.

 


“Huh?”

 


“Judging from the concerned expression on your face in combination with the frantic hand gesture, I believe you are meaning to imply that there is something behind me. Very well, I will calmly turn around and inspect the situation…”

 


“OH SNAP!”

 

COMING SOON!

Sean and I delve into the world of Hung Hsi-Kuan, aka Executioners from Shaolin, aka Shaolin Executioners, in order to see if everybody really was kung fu fightin’.