Head-butting and Hoover-like Anatomy.

Shaolin Executioners is the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

Fair warning, when I mixed this episode on my laptop, the voice levels sounded fine. But when I exported the file to other computers, for some reason Hollywood sounds a lot louder than me. I apologize for that. Next time we’ll take away his bull-horn, I promise.

 

I also apologize for the grainy nature of the following screen-caps. Unfortunately, the capture software refused to play the HK bootleg version of the film, so to capture these frames I had to fall back on the OOP Ground Zero legitimate American release, which unfortunately looks like a tenth-generation VHS transfer. Condolences.

 

3 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

VACUU-CROTCH! OH SNAP!

 

5 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

Li Li Li (aka Lilly Li) as “Crane Girl”. She’s a cutie.

 

6 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

It’s a good thing I blocked that strike with my face…

 

9 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

TIGER-STYLE!!!

 

16 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:

KUNG FU PIGGY-BACK!

 

COMING SOON!

Eat your heart out, Indiana Jones.

Smart Sharks with no Self-Esteem.

Deep Blue Sea is the Greatest Movie EVER.
Because those sharks are smart, you see.

 

1 Minute, 25 Seconds In:

LL Cool J. You better recognize, yo.

 

9 Minutes, 58 Second In – 10 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

If you think you’re having a bad day…

…trying being used as a Shark-O-Ram(TM).

 

14 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Forget Snakes on a Plane. This movie has Sharks on a Motivational Speaker.

 


“Huh?”

 


“Judging from the concerned expression on your face in combination with the frantic hand gesture, I believe you are meaning to imply that there is something behind me. Very well, I will calmly turn around and inspect the situation…”

 


“OH SNAP!”

 

COMING SOON!

Sean and I delve into the world of Hung Hsi-Kuan, aka Executioners from Shaolin, aka Shaolin Executioners, in order to see if everybody really was kung fu fightin’.

Deep, Deep Symbolism.

Zardoz is the Greatest Movie EVER. Or possibly the Worst. It’s the cinematic equivalent of being hit in the brain with a slice of lemon wrapped in a solid gold brick.

 

4 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

ZARDOZ!

 

12 Minutes, 22 Seconds – 13 Minutes, 55 Seconds In:

Gooberzilla calls shenanigans on Hideaki Anno.

 

14 Minutes, 3 Seconds In:

He really does look like Paul McCartney.

 

14 Minutes, 54 Seconds In:

Pyramid-trap! OH SNAP!

 

17 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

Boned.

 

Closing thought:

At least Zardoz was politically progressive, huh?

 

Next episode is Deep Blue Sea, I promise!

Gettin’ Freaky-freaky.

It’s another week of Law & Order: SVU references and gettin’ our freak on here at the Greatest Movie EVER podcast. And Silent Hill is the Greatest Movie EVER. This episode marks the inaugural broadcast of co-host Sean “Hardcore / Hollywood” Hunting. Feel free to check out his live-journal in the Links section.

 

2 Minutes, 22 Second In:
The Mark Dacascos Official Web Site.
The Actor…The Martial Artist…The Man…The LEGEND!

 

10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:

I don’t care what Hollywood says, Dahlia is a little hottie.

 

12 Minutes, 40 Seconds In:

Pyramid Head is gonna get you!

 

14 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

The Nurses.

Awwww, aren’t they cute?

 

Okay, okay. All of this stuff is pretty disturbing. I think we need to tone it down just a little bit…

Who wants a hug?

When all else fails, Recycle!

Underworld: Evolution is the Worst Movie EVER. It’s even worse than the original Underworld, which was also the Worst Movie EVER. So it’s the worst of the worst. Not to be confused with the worst of the wurst, because even bad wurst is good wurst.

In all honesty, this episode was recorded quite some time ago. I was saving it for a rainy day, and since I spent this last weekend traveling to Miami and back to help my good friend Eddy prepare for Carousel, I’ve been too swamped to record another podcast. But fear not, intrepid listeners, we have more good stuff coming down the pipe in the near future!

Being a brief illustration of what werewolves should look like:

This is the “Crinos” form,
as per Werewolf: The Apocalypse from White Wolf Games.


This is what the werewolves in Underworld: Evolution resemble.

`Nuff said.

DanananananananananaBATMAN!

Without a doubt, Batman: The Movie is the Greatest Movie EVER!

 

Static screen-caps of some scenes cannot do them the proper justice, so I’ve included a few links to animated GIFs hosted by external sources. I hope that’s okay; I wouldn’t want the Evil Spectre of Leeched Bandwidth to seek vengeance upon me and tear my face off while I sleep…

 

3 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:
SHARK ATTACK!

 

8 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:
The Rogues Gallery of Villains

With friends like these…

 

11 Minutes, 53 Seconds In:

I don’t think this one even needs a humorous caption…

 

16 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Bruce gets his mack on.

 

15 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

I love how Batman looks all cool and confident while running,
and poor Robin looks like he’s about to die…

 

17 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:
The infamous Bomb Scene.

 

COMING SOON!

Somebody get the Bat Shark-Repellent!

The Crushing Pressure of Mediocrity…

The Core is the Worst Movie EVER. We blame Daryl Surat over at AnimeWorldOrder for inflicting this cinematic atrocity on our psyches, and we swear upon the ghost of M.D. Geist and the ruins of the Brain Palace that vengeance shall be ours. Well, not really…we still love you, Daryl, in a completely heterosexual and non-threatening way.

 

Also, new installations in the Appatosaurus Preserve now allow us to record and publish an episode across vast gulfs of time, space, and probability without sounding like we’re shouting from inside a tin out-house. (Translation: We got some new software; the podcast should sound better than before.)

 

3 Minutes, 27 Seconds In:

D.J. Qualls surrenders. We do, too.

 

10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:

It’s just a little scratch. He could be okay…

Ummm…

…maybe not.

 

16 Minutes, 4 Seconds – 16 Minutes, 36 Seconds In:

Bishopcruz loses his frickin’ mind.

 

18 Minutes, 21 Seconds In:


ZEUS HATES ROME!!!

 

21 Minutes, 0 Seconds In – 21 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

Invoking the Avatar of Warwick Davis, the Almighty Gooberzilla calls Supreme Shenanigans(TM).

 

NEW FEATURE! COMING SOON! A taste of what’s in store in the next Greatest Movie EVER Podcast.

Somebody set us up the bomb.

 

Cheers, mate.

Angry Alien Ghosts, American Idol, and Alice Cooper

Ghosts of Mars is the Greatest Movie EVER! And don’t let any Closet Dino-sympathizers tell you differently. (^_~)

3 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:
Ice Cube, Master thespian! Witness his staggering range of emotions:
Angry.

Miffed.

Irritated.

11 Minutes, 41 Seconds In:

Natasha Henstridge at her finest.

14 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Big Daddy Manson — er, I mean, “Mars”.


Big Daddy Mars has got the public speaking skillz.

7 Dollars of Pure Cinematic Pain!

Dungeons & Dragons is the Worst Movie EVER. (Although the `80s cartoon was pretty cool.)

2 Minutes, 49 Seconds In:

Sure, she’s hot and the steel bustier is downright sexy, but what self-respecting elf would wield a crossbow!?!

6 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

Ridley Freeborn shops at Toys-R-Us.

6 Minutes, 33 Seconds In:

WTF?

13 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

Clear evidence that Dungeons & Dragons is the domain of El Diablo. See Jack Chick’s “Dark Dungeons” cartoon to learn how we may combat this insidious plot to ensnare our children.

14 Minutes, 51 Second In:

The universe’s only Fat Elf.

16 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

PURPLE HAZE / UP IN MY BRAIN!

20 Minutes, 49 Seconds In:

Tragedy strikes when the crew members realize the true horror of the Dungeons & Dragons movie…

Dragons: 1 , Stromnir: Zero

Reign of Fire is the Greatest Worst Movie EVER. Or the Worst Greatest Movie EVER. We’re not sure.

 

It has dragons in it.

No, seriously. They breath fire and everything. And apparently, they wiped out the dinosaurs. All of the ones that weren’t safely sequestered in the Appatosaurus Preserve, that is.

 

15 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:

Getting ready for it…

 


Yes, folks. They even filmed it from underneath.

 


GO, STROMNIR, GO!!!

 

Sadly, shortly after this episode was recorded, the entire dinosaur population of the Appatosaurus Preserve was wiped out by an unknown assailant wielding a giant, freakin’ axe. Witnesses report that the assailant was heard shouting: “Yaaar, filthy dragons, taste the wrath of me blade!” The cryptic message “STROMNIR LIVES!” was found painted in dinosaur blood at the scene of the slaughter.

A composite sketch of the assailant, created by police artists.