Head-butting and Hoover-like Anatomy.

Shaolin Executioners is the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

Fair warning, when I mixed this episode on my laptop, the voice levels sounded fine. But when I exported the file to other computers, for some reason Hollywood sounds a lot louder than me. I apologize for that. Next time we’ll take away his bull-horn, I promise.

 

I also apologize for the grainy nature of the following screen-caps. Unfortunately, the capture software refused to play the HK bootleg version of the film, so to capture these frames I had to fall back on the OOP Ground Zero legitimate American release, which unfortunately looks like a tenth-generation VHS transfer. Condolences.

 

3 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

VACUU-CROTCH! OH SNAP!

 

5 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

Li Li Li (aka Lilly Li) as “Crane Girl”. She’s a cutie.

 

6 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

It’s a good thing I blocked that strike with my face…

 

9 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

TIGER-STYLE!!!

 

16 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:

KUNG FU PIGGY-BACK!

 

COMING SOON!

Eat your heart out, Indiana Jones.

Smart Sharks with no Self-Esteem.

Deep Blue Sea is the Greatest Movie EVER.
Because those sharks are smart, you see.

 

1 Minute, 25 Seconds In:

LL Cool J. You better recognize, yo.

 

9 Minutes, 58 Second In – 10 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

If you think you’re having a bad day…

…trying being used as a Shark-O-Ram(TM).

 

14 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Forget Snakes on a Plane. This movie has Sharks on a Motivational Speaker.

 


“Huh?”

 


“Judging from the concerned expression on your face in combination with the frantic hand gesture, I believe you are meaning to imply that there is something behind me. Very well, I will calmly turn around and inspect the situation…”

 


“OH SNAP!”

 

COMING SOON!

Sean and I delve into the world of Hung Hsi-Kuan, aka Executioners from Shaolin, aka Shaolin Executioners, in order to see if everybody really was kung fu fightin’.

Deep, Deep Symbolism.

Zardoz is the Greatest Movie EVER. Or possibly the Worst. It’s the cinematic equivalent of being hit in the brain with a slice of lemon wrapped in a solid gold brick.

 

4 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

ZARDOZ!

 

12 Minutes, 22 Seconds – 13 Minutes, 55 Seconds In:

Gooberzilla calls shenanigans on Hideaki Anno.

 

14 Minutes, 3 Seconds In:

He really does look like Paul McCartney.

 

14 Minutes, 54 Seconds In:

Pyramid-trap! OH SNAP!

 

17 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

Boned.

 

Closing thought:

At least Zardoz was politically progressive, huh?

 

Next episode is Deep Blue Sea, I promise!

Gettin’ Freaky-freaky.

It’s another week of Law & Order: SVU references and gettin’ our freak on here at the Greatest Movie EVER podcast. And Silent Hill is the Greatest Movie EVER. This episode marks the inaugural broadcast of co-host Sean “Hardcore / Hollywood” Hunting. Feel free to check out his live-journal in the Links section.

 

2 Minutes, 22 Second In:
The Mark Dacascos Official Web Site.
The Actor…The Martial Artist…The Man…The LEGEND!

 

10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:

I don’t care what Hollywood says, Dahlia is a little hottie.

 

12 Minutes, 40 Seconds In:

Pyramid Head is gonna get you!

 

14 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

The Nurses.

Awwww, aren’t they cute?

 

Okay, okay. All of this stuff is pretty disturbing. I think we need to tone it down just a little bit…

Who wants a hug?

DanananananananananaBATMAN!

Without a doubt, Batman: The Movie is the Greatest Movie EVER!

 

Static screen-caps of some scenes cannot do them the proper justice, so I’ve included a few links to animated GIFs hosted by external sources. I hope that’s okay; I wouldn’t want the Evil Spectre of Leeched Bandwidth to seek vengeance upon me and tear my face off while I sleep…

 

3 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:
SHARK ATTACK!

 

8 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:
The Rogues Gallery of Villains

With friends like these…

 

11 Minutes, 53 Seconds In:

I don’t think this one even needs a humorous caption…

 

16 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Bruce gets his mack on.

 

15 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

I love how Batman looks all cool and confident while running,
and poor Robin looks like he’s about to die…

 

17 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:
The infamous Bomb Scene.

 

COMING SOON!

Somebody get the Bat Shark-Repellent!

Angry Alien Ghosts, American Idol, and Alice Cooper

Ghosts of Mars is the Greatest Movie EVER! And don’t let any Closet Dino-sympathizers tell you differently. (^_~)

3 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:
Ice Cube, Master thespian! Witness his staggering range of emotions:
Angry.

Miffed.

Irritated.

11 Minutes, 41 Seconds In:

Natasha Henstridge at her finest.

14 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Big Daddy Manson — er, I mean, “Mars”.


Big Daddy Mars has got the public speaking skillz.

Cetaceans on the War-Path!

This week we discover that Orca: The Killer Whale is, in fact, the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

I apologize for the sound quality on this episode. Apparently, there was a problem with Katherine’s microphone (no doubt caused by the jealousy waves she emitted after not getting to sit in the “comfy chair”) which I didn’t catch until post-production. So if it sounds like Katherine is shouting down a well, just try and pretend that she’s trying to communicate with Angel and George down in the Appatosaurus Preserve at the Center of the Earth.

Aw, isn’t that cute?

 

The hero of this picture: Orca, the Killer Whale.

Oh, sure, he looks cute now.
But cross him and he’ll eat you and everyone you ever loved…

 


See what I mean?

 

15 minutes, 11 Seconds In:

The lonely death of Umilak.

 


The ice crushes both ways. (SQUISH!)

 

16 Minutes, 45 Seconds In:

As you can see, our resident Beautiful Marine Biologist Lady is totally into Richard Harris…

 


…but then again, what lady could resist THIS?

Logan’s Run and Lizard-Brains

Logan’s Run is the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

3 Minutes, 6 Seconds In:

Now that I think about it, that Carousel crystal looks like a giant Apple Sour Altoid.

 


See?

 


Anti-gravity Disco!

 

6 Minutes, 54 Seconds In:

It’s kind of sad when your film’s Moses figure is Peter Ustinov as a Crazy Cat Guy.

 

7 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

Steam Spears! OH SNAP!

 

8 Minutes, 14 Seconds In:

Box, the Resident Insane Robot.
Why don’t they ever invent a robot
that doesn’t go haywire and attempt to kill you?
I blame Y2K.

 

9 Minutes, 18 Seconds In:

This is what the directors were shooting for, visually speaking.

 

Ironically, my good friend Eddie turns 30 this September.
THERE IS NO SANCTUARY, EDDIE!

Puberty and Vampirism Do Not Mix…

The Lost Boys is the Greatest Movie EVER. After all, a billion angsty teenagers that shop at Hot Topic can’t all be wrong…

 

9 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

 


Who could possibly choose between these two, burning hunks of Manhood?

 

17 Minutes, 14 Seconds In:

When Undeath hands you lemons, make lemon-aide.
(Or blood-aide, if you’re a vampire.)

 

20 Minutes, 2 Seconds In:

Nanook, Mightiest of Vampire-Slayers!

 


The Dog-tackle(TM).

 


T-Minus:

 

5…

 

4…

 

3…

 

2…

 

1…

IGNITION!

 

Gentlemen, we have Dog-tackle(TM).

Concerning Ugly Puppies and Alternative Life-styles.

This week, the Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast features Streetfighter:

 

4 Minutes, 51 Seconds In:

That’s one ugly puppy, man. (Courtesy of One Ugly Puppy Productions)

 

12 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

These guys are definitely not gay.

 


Yep…

 


Definitely NOT Gay.

 

16 Minutes, 27 Seconds In:

The look on Chun Li’s face. (OWNED!)

 

17 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

My girl Cammy. (Courtesy of www.cammyfan.com.)