More Cronenberg!


Spider is the Greatest Movie EVER. Seriously. I’m not being facetious here. It’s an awesome film.

 

0 Minutes, 47 Seconds In:

Ralph Fiennes as Dennis “Spider” Kleg.
It’s spelled “Ralph”. It’s pronounced “Ray”. DOES NOT COMPUTE…

 

3 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:

John Neville as Terrence. He’s a sad puppy.

 

8 Minutes, 20 Seconds In:

Gabriel Byrne giving the look of death. I’m glad he’s not my dad.

 

12 Minutes, 1 Second In:

Miranda Richardson nice…

…Miranda Richardson naughty.

 

16 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

We take a cheap-shot at Christopher Lloyd.

 

Until next time, we out! PEACE!

I lied.

Due to unforeseen circumstances beyond even my Mighty control, the Highlander 2: Renegade Version Podcast is hereby postponed until further notice. A multitude of factors went into making this decision, not the least of which: a broken Netflix DVD and various computer hiccups. I also moved into my new apartment (aka “The Pimp Krib”) this week, which is why this podcast is a wee bit late. I am now officially small pimpin’. One day I hope to graduate to medium pimpin’, or — dare I to dream? — big pimpin’.

 

Anyway…

The Punisher (1989) is the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

9 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

The Punisher loves kids.

 

However…


Kids do not love the Punisher.

 

15 Minutes In:

WTF?

 

CLOSING THOUGHT:

I’m not sure I’m comfortable with Tonka’s newest line of remote control trucks…

Now with 30% More Hungarian MIAK.

Ernest Scared Stupid is undeniably the Greatest Movie EVER.
It’s funny. And it’s frightening, too.

 

O Minutes, 45 Seconds In:

Eartha Kitt is frightening. She looks like Dahlia from Silent Hill.

 

1 Minute, 30 Seconds In:

I don’t care what Hollywood says, this troll is both scary and frightening.

 

2 Minutes, 56 Seconds In:

See? Even Ernest is frightening.

 

3 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

These are the frightening bullies. They’re frightening.
Okay, they’re not really frightening, but one’s got a mullet and the other’s carrying an invisible shot-gun. Would you really want to mess with them?

 

12 Minutes, 1 Second In:

When Trantor the Troll goes all Super-Shredder on us, he’s not just frightening. He’s terrifying.

 

And speaking of terrifying…

 

COMING SOON!

That’s right, Dave Riley. I went there…

AOL Conquers Mars.


DOOM is the Greatest Movie EVER. No, really. I’m serious. Stop laughing.

 

1 Minute, 34 Seconds In:

Karl Urban. He’s angsty and complicated, ladies.

 

14 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

The tragedy of TPTBS (Too Pretty To Be a Scientist) Syndrome.

 

23 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

Forget Chekhov’s gun. This movie has Chekhov’s BFG.

 

Final Thought:

“Hey! I am the star of this picture!”

Head-butting and Hoover-like Anatomy.

Shaolin Executioners is the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

Fair warning, when I mixed this episode on my laptop, the voice levels sounded fine. But when I exported the file to other computers, for some reason Hollywood sounds a lot louder than me. I apologize for that. Next time we’ll take away his bull-horn, I promise.

 

I also apologize for the grainy nature of the following screen-caps. Unfortunately, the capture software refused to play the HK bootleg version of the film, so to capture these frames I had to fall back on the OOP Ground Zero legitimate American release, which unfortunately looks like a tenth-generation VHS transfer. Condolences.

 

3 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

VACUU-CROTCH! OH SNAP!

 

5 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

Li Li Li (aka Lilly Li) as “Crane Girl”. She’s a cutie.

 

6 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

It’s a good thing I blocked that strike with my face…

 

9 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

TIGER-STYLE!!!

 

16 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:

KUNG FU PIGGY-BACK!

 

COMING SOON!

Eat your heart out, Indiana Jones.

Smart Sharks with no Self-Esteem.

Deep Blue Sea is the Greatest Movie EVER.
Because those sharks are smart, you see.

 

1 Minute, 25 Seconds In:

LL Cool J. You better recognize, yo.

 

9 Minutes, 58 Second In – 10 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

If you think you’re having a bad day…

…trying being used as a Shark-O-Ram(TM).

 

14 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Forget Snakes on a Plane. This movie has Sharks on a Motivational Speaker.

 


“Huh?”

 


“Judging from the concerned expression on your face in combination with the frantic hand gesture, I believe you are meaning to imply that there is something behind me. Very well, I will calmly turn around and inspect the situation…”

 


“OH SNAP!”

 

COMING SOON!

Sean and I delve into the world of Hung Hsi-Kuan, aka Executioners from Shaolin, aka Shaolin Executioners, in order to see if everybody really was kung fu fightin’.

Deep, Deep Symbolism.

Zardoz is the Greatest Movie EVER. Or possibly the Worst. It’s the cinematic equivalent of being hit in the brain with a slice of lemon wrapped in a solid gold brick.

 

4 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

ZARDOZ!

 

12 Minutes, 22 Seconds – 13 Minutes, 55 Seconds In:

Gooberzilla calls shenanigans on Hideaki Anno.

 

14 Minutes, 3 Seconds In:

He really does look like Paul McCartney.

 

14 Minutes, 54 Seconds In:

Pyramid-trap! OH SNAP!

 

17 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

Boned.

 

Closing thought:

At least Zardoz was politically progressive, huh?

 

Next episode is Deep Blue Sea, I promise!

Gettin’ Freaky-freaky.

It’s another week of Law & Order: SVU references and gettin’ our freak on here at the Greatest Movie EVER podcast. And Silent Hill is the Greatest Movie EVER. This episode marks the inaugural broadcast of co-host Sean “Hardcore / Hollywood” Hunting. Feel free to check out his live-journal in the Links section.

 

2 Minutes, 22 Second In:
The Mark Dacascos Official Web Site.
The Actor…The Martial Artist…The Man…The LEGEND!

 

10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:

I don’t care what Hollywood says, Dahlia is a little hottie.

 

12 Minutes, 40 Seconds In:

Pyramid Head is gonna get you!

 

14 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

The Nurses.

Awwww, aren’t they cute?

 

Okay, okay. All of this stuff is pretty disturbing. I think we need to tone it down just a little bit…

Who wants a hug?

DanananananananananaBATMAN!

Without a doubt, Batman: The Movie is the Greatest Movie EVER!

 

Static screen-caps of some scenes cannot do them the proper justice, so I’ve included a few links to animated GIFs hosted by external sources. I hope that’s okay; I wouldn’t want the Evil Spectre of Leeched Bandwidth to seek vengeance upon me and tear my face off while I sleep…

 

3 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:
SHARK ATTACK!

 

8 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:
The Rogues Gallery of Villains

With friends like these…

 

11 Minutes, 53 Seconds In:

I don’t think this one even needs a humorous caption…

 

16 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Bruce gets his mack on.

 

15 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

I love how Batman looks all cool and confident while running,
and poor Robin looks like he’s about to die…

 

17 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:
The infamous Bomb Scene.

 

COMING SOON!

Somebody get the Bat Shark-Repellent!