Category Archives: Horror

God Bless Uwe Boll


It doesn’t take a rocket-scientist to realize that BloodRayne is the Worst Movie EVER. And yet, I think the entire world should watch it. Everyone must know my pain.

 

On a side note, if it sounds like my voice is being strained through the guts of a cybernetic monkey, that’s because I had one of the quality settings incorrect when I recorded this. I apologize in advance.

 

2 Minutes, 57 Seconds In:

Kristanna Loken. She’s a cutie.

 

3 Minutes, 18 Seconds In:

Sir Ben Kingsley in another outrageous wig.
This is the only expression he uses in the entire film.

 

5 Minutes, 2 Seconds In:

Michael Madsen does not know how to swing a sword.

 

5 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

Damostir, Kagan’s chief thrall. I dig his punk-rock haircut.

 

9 Minutes, 41 Seconds In:

MEATLOAF!!! OH SNAP!

 

CLOSING THOUGHT!
For all those that are not yet convinced
that this movie was made under the influence of intoxicating substances:

Purple haze / up in my brain!

 

COMING SOON!

This photo makes me think naughty things.

More Dino Propaganda – Dino Catering!

 

Despite its mad, l33t catering skillz, A Sound of Thunder is the Worst Movie EVER.

 

2 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

Sir Ben Kingsley in a truly horrendous wig. Note also the champagne fountain.

 

9 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

BABOONASAURUSES! BA-BOON-A-SAURUSES!

 

10 Minutes, 45 Seconds In:

A city-scape scene in A Sound of Thunder. Note how obviously blue-screened the background is…

 

12 Minutes, 24 Seconds In:

It’s a bad sign when your Allosaurus Ice Sculpture looks better than your Allosaurus. Also, caterers get no love.

 

COMING SOON!
Next time, assuming no cataclysmic space-time catastrophes interfere and we actually get the bloody show recorded, we hope to take a stab at this:

Stab. Bloody. Get it?

Merry Flippin’ Christmas!


Although Mortal Kombat is still Coming Soon, in the mean time (pun-intended) Santa’s Slay is the Greatest Movie EVER!

 


I’m sure everyone can see now how I could get these two movies confused…

 

1 Minutes, 51 Seconds In:

Goldberg is one Bad Santa.

 

2 Minutes, 55 Seconds In:

In addition to the Hell Deer, Santa’s sleigh also has rocket-boosters.

 

10 Minutes, 10 Seconds In:


Seriously, don’t you see the resemblance?

 

And with that, we here at the Greatest Movie EVER Podcast wish you Happy Holidays and Feliz Navidad. Until next time, adios amigos!

snakes…Snakes…SNAAAAAAAKES!!!

 

Anaconda is the Greatest Movie EVER (involving a Giant Snake).

 

0 Minutes, 36 Seconds In ~ 5 Minutes, 23 Seconds In:

It’s mail-call, yo.

 

8 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

J-Lo. She’s TPBSM. (Too Pretty to Be a Scientist.)

 

9 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

Jon Voight, the Star of this Picture?

 

11 Minutes, 25 Seconds In:

“I am sooooooooo relaxed.”

 

13 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

The REAL Star of this Picture.

 

15 Minutes, 52 Seconds In:

Ice Cube is the Baddest Man on the Planet.

 

COMING SOON!

`Nuff said.

No Love for Nemmy?


We’re (un)dead serious when we say that Resident Evil: Apocalypse is the Worst Movie EVER. I guess our chief criticism is the movie tries to be like the game, and it fails. This wouldn’t be as much of a problem if the game wasn’t so silly in the first place…

 

6 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:

In think Isaac Newton himself said it was physically impossible to bungee-jump out of a helicopter while dual-wielding Berettas…

 

7 Minutes, 10 Seconds In:

Milla loves her machine-pistols.

 

8 Minutes, 42 Seconds In:

The lonely death of Nikolai.

 

21 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

Nemmy need hug?

 

COMING SOON!

A huge snake…but NOT also poisonous.

AOL Conquers Mars.


DOOM is the Greatest Movie EVER. No, really. I’m serious. Stop laughing.

 

1 Minute, 34 Seconds In:

Karl Urban. He’s angsty and complicated, ladies.

 

14 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

The tragedy of TPTBS (Too Pretty To Be a Scientist) Syndrome.

 

23 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

Forget Chekhov’s gun. This movie has Chekhov’s BFG.

 

Final Thought:

“Hey! I am the star of this picture!”

Smart Sharks with no Self-Esteem.

Deep Blue Sea is the Greatest Movie EVER.
Because those sharks are smart, you see.

 

1 Minute, 25 Seconds In:

LL Cool J. You better recognize, yo.

 

9 Minutes, 58 Second In – 10 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

If you think you’re having a bad day…

…trying being used as a Shark-O-Ram(TM).

 

14 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Forget Snakes on a Plane. This movie has Sharks on a Motivational Speaker.

 


“Huh?”

 


“Judging from the concerned expression on your face in combination with the frantic hand gesture, I believe you are meaning to imply that there is something behind me. Very well, I will calmly turn around and inspect the situation…”

 


“OH SNAP!”

 

COMING SOON!

Sean and I delve into the world of Hung Hsi-Kuan, aka Executioners from Shaolin, aka Shaolin Executioners, in order to see if everybody really was kung fu fightin’.

Gettin’ Freaky-freaky.

It’s another week of Law & Order: SVU references and gettin’ our freak on here at the Greatest Movie EVER podcast. And Silent Hill is the Greatest Movie EVER. This episode marks the inaugural broadcast of co-host Sean “Hardcore / Hollywood” Hunting. Feel free to check out his live-journal in the Links section.

 

2 Minutes, 22 Second In:
The Mark Dacascos Official Web Site.
The Actor…The Martial Artist…The Man…The LEGEND!

 

10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:

I don’t care what Hollywood says, Dahlia is a little hottie.

 

12 Minutes, 40 Seconds In:

Pyramid Head is gonna get you!

 

14 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

The Nurses.

Awwww, aren’t they cute?

 

Okay, okay. All of this stuff is pretty disturbing. I think we need to tone it down just a little bit…

Who wants a hug?

When all else fails, Recycle!

Underworld: Evolution is the Worst Movie EVER. It’s even worse than the original Underworld, which was also the Worst Movie EVER. So it’s the worst of the worst. Not to be confused with the worst of the wurst, because even bad wurst is good wurst.

In all honesty, this episode was recorded quite some time ago. I was saving it for a rainy day, and since I spent this last weekend traveling to Miami and back to help my good friend Eddy prepare for Carousel, I’ve been too swamped to record another podcast. But fear not, intrepid listeners, we have more good stuff coming down the pipe in the near future!

Being a brief illustration of what werewolves should look like:

This is the “Crinos” form,
as per Werewolf: The Apocalypse from White Wolf Games.


This is what the werewolves in Underworld: Evolution resemble.

`Nuff said.