AOL Conquers Mars.


DOOM is the Greatest Movie EVER. No, really. I’m serious. Stop laughing.

 

1 Minute, 34 Seconds In:

Karl Urban. He’s angsty and complicated, ladies.

 

14 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

The tragedy of TPTBS (Too Pretty To Be a Scientist) Syndrome.

 

23 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

Forget Chekhov’s gun. This movie has Chekhov’s BFG.

 

Final Thought:

“Hey! I am the star of this picture!”

BLIMP FIGHT!

The Rocketeer is the Greatest Movie EVER.

 


Rocket-man, burnin’ out his fuse, up here, alone!

 

2 Minutes, 56 Seconds In:

Jennifer Connelly is one classy dame.

 

7 Minutes, 23 Seconds In:

Lothar is refined, but not exactly classy.

 

19 Minutes, 21 Seconds In:

It’s patriotic, y’all.

 

CLOSING THOUGHT!

Clowns should not fly airplanes.

Ryuhei Kitamura, Little Debbie, and a Taste of Doppelganger

Despite pre-emptive protests by Daryl Surat from AnimeWorldOrder, Godzilla: Final Wars is the Worst Movie EVER.

 

Fair Warning:

You will need these if you wish to survive Godzilla: Final Wars.

 

2 Minutes, 24 Seconds In:

Ummm… I think I’ve seen this scene somewhere before?

 

5 Minutes, 58 Seconds In:

Josef Stalin saves the Universe!

 

14 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

Minya-Jesus.

 

16 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

I don’t know what he’s laughing about…
The Fashion-Police are about to serve an arrest warrant.

 

20 Minutes, 6 Seconds In – 21 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Despite Mom’s heartiest efforts to stop the downward spiral into madness, the Almighty Gooberzilla loses his frickin’ mind.

 


Oh yeah, and apparently Godzilla’s in this movie, too.

 

COMING SOON!

“I belieeeeeeeeeve I can flyyyyyyyyyyy…”

An Africa without Elvira (or Harrison Ford)


Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold is the Worst Movie EVER. But even so, I still love you, Golan-Globus! Come back to me; all is forgiven!

2 Minutes, 1 Second In:

Mom punks me out with the promise of home-baked goodness.

4 Minutes, 7 Seconds In and 10 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

Shenanigans are called on Indiana Jones and J.R.R. Tolkien, respectively.

14 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Henry Silva as Agon. This guy loves his job.

18 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:

Sharon Stone channeling Kate Capshaw. Yeah, she’s like this the whole movie.

And finally:

James Earl Jones as Umslopogaas. We suspect he’s actually Stromnir the Mighty’s brother by another mother.

That’s it for now. Until next time. PEACE!

Head-butting and Hoover-like Anatomy.

Shaolin Executioners is the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

Fair warning, when I mixed this episode on my laptop, the voice levels sounded fine. But when I exported the file to other computers, for some reason Hollywood sounds a lot louder than me. I apologize for that. Next time we’ll take away his bull-horn, I promise.

 

I also apologize for the grainy nature of the following screen-caps. Unfortunately, the capture software refused to play the HK bootleg version of the film, so to capture these frames I had to fall back on the OOP Ground Zero legitimate American release, which unfortunately looks like a tenth-generation VHS transfer. Condolences.

 

3 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

VACUU-CROTCH! OH SNAP!

 

5 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

Li Li Li (aka Lilly Li) as “Crane Girl”. She’s a cutie.

 

6 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

It’s a good thing I blocked that strike with my face…

 

9 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

TIGER-STYLE!!!

 

16 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:

KUNG FU PIGGY-BACK!

 

COMING SOON!

Eat your heart out, Indiana Jones.

Smart Sharks with no Self-Esteem.

Deep Blue Sea is the Greatest Movie EVER.
Because those sharks are smart, you see.

 

1 Minute, 25 Seconds In:

LL Cool J. You better recognize, yo.

 

9 Minutes, 58 Second In – 10 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

If you think you’re having a bad day…

…trying being used as a Shark-O-Ram(TM).

 

14 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Forget Snakes on a Plane. This movie has Sharks on a Motivational Speaker.

 


“Huh?”

 


“Judging from the concerned expression on your face in combination with the frantic hand gesture, I believe you are meaning to imply that there is something behind me. Very well, I will calmly turn around and inspect the situation…”

 


“OH SNAP!”

 

COMING SOON!

Sean and I delve into the world of Hung Hsi-Kuan, aka Executioners from Shaolin, aka Shaolin Executioners, in order to see if everybody really was kung fu fightin’.

Deep, Deep Symbolism.

Zardoz is the Greatest Movie EVER. Or possibly the Worst. It’s the cinematic equivalent of being hit in the brain with a slice of lemon wrapped in a solid gold brick.

 

4 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

ZARDOZ!

 

12 Minutes, 22 Seconds – 13 Minutes, 55 Seconds In:

Gooberzilla calls shenanigans on Hideaki Anno.

 

14 Minutes, 3 Seconds In:

He really does look like Paul McCartney.

 

14 Minutes, 54 Seconds In:

Pyramid-trap! OH SNAP!

 

17 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

Boned.

 

Closing thought:

At least Zardoz was politically progressive, huh?

 

Next episode is Deep Blue Sea, I promise!

Gettin’ Freaky-freaky.

It’s another week of Law & Order: SVU references and gettin’ our freak on here at the Greatest Movie EVER podcast. And Silent Hill is the Greatest Movie EVER. This episode marks the inaugural broadcast of co-host Sean “Hardcore / Hollywood” Hunting. Feel free to check out his live-journal in the Links section.

 

2 Minutes, 22 Second In:
The Mark Dacascos Official Web Site.
The Actor…The Martial Artist…The Man…The LEGEND!

 

10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:

I don’t care what Hollywood says, Dahlia is a little hottie.

 

12 Minutes, 40 Seconds In:

Pyramid Head is gonna get you!

 

14 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

The Nurses.

Awwww, aren’t they cute?

 

Okay, okay. All of this stuff is pretty disturbing. I think we need to tone it down just a little bit…

Who wants a hug?

When all else fails, Recycle!

Underworld: Evolution is the Worst Movie EVER. It’s even worse than the original Underworld, which was also the Worst Movie EVER. So it’s the worst of the worst. Not to be confused with the worst of the wurst, because even bad wurst is good wurst.

In all honesty, this episode was recorded quite some time ago. I was saving it for a rainy day, and since I spent this last weekend traveling to Miami and back to help my good friend Eddy prepare for Carousel, I’ve been too swamped to record another podcast. But fear not, intrepid listeners, we have more good stuff coming down the pipe in the near future!

Being a brief illustration of what werewolves should look like:

This is the “Crinos” form,
as per Werewolf: The Apocalypse from White Wolf Games.


This is what the werewolves in Underworld: Evolution resemble.

`Nuff said.

DanananananananananaBATMAN!

Without a doubt, Batman: The Movie is the Greatest Movie EVER!

 

Static screen-caps of some scenes cannot do them the proper justice, so I’ve included a few links to animated GIFs hosted by external sources. I hope that’s okay; I wouldn’t want the Evil Spectre of Leeched Bandwidth to seek vengeance upon me and tear my face off while I sleep…

 

3 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:
SHARK ATTACK!

 

8 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:
The Rogues Gallery of Villains

With friends like these…

 

11 Minutes, 53 Seconds In:

I don’t think this one even needs a humorous caption…

 

16 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Bruce gets his mack on.

 

15 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

I love how Batman looks all cool and confident while running,
and poor Robin looks like he’s about to die…

 

17 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:
The infamous Bomb Scene.

 

COMING SOON!

Somebody get the Bat Shark-Repellent!