The Crushing Pressure of Mediocrity…

The Core is the Worst Movie EVER. We blame Daryl Surat over at AnimeWorldOrder for inflicting this cinematic atrocity on our psyches, and we swear upon the ghost of M.D. Geist and the ruins of the Brain Palace that vengeance shall be ours. Well, not really…we still love you, Daryl, in a completely heterosexual and non-threatening way.

 

Also, new installations in the Appatosaurus Preserve now allow us to record and publish an episode across vast gulfs of time, space, and probability without sounding like we’re shouting from inside a tin out-house. (Translation: We got some new software; the podcast should sound better than before.)

 

3 Minutes, 27 Seconds In:

D.J. Qualls surrenders. We do, too.

 

10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:

It’s just a little scratch. He could be okay…

Ummm…

…maybe not.

 

16 Minutes, 4 Seconds – 16 Minutes, 36 Seconds In:

Bishopcruz loses his frickin’ mind.

 

18 Minutes, 21 Seconds In:


ZEUS HATES ROME!!!

 

21 Minutes, 0 Seconds In – 21 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

Invoking the Avatar of Warwick Davis, the Almighty Gooberzilla calls Supreme Shenanigans(TM).

 

NEW FEATURE! COMING SOON! A taste of what’s in store in the next Greatest Movie EVER Podcast.

Somebody set us up the bomb.

 

Cheers, mate.

Angry Alien Ghosts, American Idol, and Alice Cooper

Ghosts of Mars is the Greatest Movie EVER! And don’t let any Closet Dino-sympathizers tell you differently. (^_~)

3 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:
Ice Cube, Master thespian! Witness his staggering range of emotions:
Angry.

Miffed.

Irritated.

11 Minutes, 41 Seconds In:

Natasha Henstridge at her finest.

14 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Big Daddy Manson — er, I mean, “Mars”.


Big Daddy Mars has got the public speaking skillz.

7 Dollars of Pure Cinematic Pain!

Dungeons & Dragons is the Worst Movie EVER. (Although the `80s cartoon was pretty cool.)

2 Minutes, 49 Seconds In:

Sure, she’s hot and the steel bustier is downright sexy, but what self-respecting elf would wield a crossbow!?!

6 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

Ridley Freeborn shops at Toys-R-Us.

6 Minutes, 33 Seconds In:

WTF?

13 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

Clear evidence that Dungeons & Dragons is the domain of El Diablo. See Jack Chick’s “Dark Dungeons” cartoon to learn how we may combat this insidious plot to ensnare our children.

14 Minutes, 51 Second In:

The universe’s only Fat Elf.

16 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

PURPLE HAZE / UP IN MY BRAIN!

20 Minutes, 49 Seconds In:

Tragedy strikes when the crew members realize the true horror of the Dungeons & Dragons movie…

Dragons: 1 , Stromnir: Zero

Reign of Fire is the Greatest Worst Movie EVER. Or the Worst Greatest Movie EVER. We’re not sure.

 

It has dragons in it.

No, seriously. They breath fire and everything. And apparently, they wiped out the dinosaurs. All of the ones that weren’t safely sequestered in the Appatosaurus Preserve, that is.

 

15 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:

Getting ready for it…

 


Yes, folks. They even filmed it from underneath.

 


GO, STROMNIR, GO!!!

 

Sadly, shortly after this episode was recorded, the entire dinosaur population of the Appatosaurus Preserve was wiped out by an unknown assailant wielding a giant, freakin’ axe. Witnesses report that the assailant was heard shouting: “Yaaar, filthy dragons, taste the wrath of me blade!” The cryptic message “STROMNIR LIVES!” was found painted in dinosaur blood at the scene of the slaughter.

A composite sketch of the assailant, created by police artists.

Cetaceans on the War-Path!

This week we discover that Orca: The Killer Whale is, in fact, the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

I apologize for the sound quality on this episode. Apparently, there was a problem with Katherine’s microphone (no doubt caused by the jealousy waves she emitted after not getting to sit in the “comfy chair”) which I didn’t catch until post-production. So if it sounds like Katherine is shouting down a well, just try and pretend that she’s trying to communicate with Angel and George down in the Appatosaurus Preserve at the Center of the Earth.

Aw, isn’t that cute?

 

The hero of this picture: Orca, the Killer Whale.

Oh, sure, he looks cute now.
But cross him and he’ll eat you and everyone you ever loved…

 


See what I mean?

 

15 minutes, 11 Seconds In:

The lonely death of Umilak.

 


The ice crushes both ways. (SQUISH!)

 

16 Minutes, 45 Seconds In:

As you can see, our resident Beautiful Marine Biologist Lady is totally into Richard Harris…

 


…but then again, what lady could resist THIS?

Logan’s Run and Lizard-Brains

Logan’s Run is the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

3 Minutes, 6 Seconds In:

Now that I think about it, that Carousel crystal looks like a giant Apple Sour Altoid.

 


See?

 


Anti-gravity Disco!

 

6 Minutes, 54 Seconds In:

It’s kind of sad when your film’s Moses figure is Peter Ustinov as a Crazy Cat Guy.

 

7 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

Steam Spears! OH SNAP!

 

8 Minutes, 14 Seconds In:

Box, the Resident Insane Robot.
Why don’t they ever invent a robot
that doesn’t go haywire and attempt to kill you?
I blame Y2K.

 

9 Minutes, 18 Seconds In:

This is what the directors were shooting for, visually speaking.

 

Ironically, my good friend Eddie turns 30 this September.
THERE IS NO SANCTUARY, EDDIE!

Puberty and Vampirism Do Not Mix…

The Lost Boys is the Greatest Movie EVER. After all, a billion angsty teenagers that shop at Hot Topic can’t all be wrong…

 

9 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

 


Who could possibly choose between these two, burning hunks of Manhood?

 

17 Minutes, 14 Seconds In:

When Undeath hands you lemons, make lemon-aide.
(Or blood-aide, if you’re a vampire.)

 

20 Minutes, 2 Seconds In:

Nanook, Mightiest of Vampire-Slayers!

 


The Dog-tackle(TM).

 


T-Minus:

 

5…

 

4…

 

3…

 

2…

 

1…

IGNITION!

 

Gentlemen, we have Dog-tackle(TM).

Concerning Ugly Puppies and Alternative Life-styles.

This week, the Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast features Streetfighter:

 

4 Minutes, 51 Seconds In:

That’s one ugly puppy, man. (Courtesy of One Ugly Puppy Productions)

 

12 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

These guys are definitely not gay.

 


Yep…

 


Definitely NOT Gay.

 

16 Minutes, 27 Seconds In:

The look on Chun Li’s face. (OWNED!)

 

17 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

My girl Cammy. (Courtesy of www.cammyfan.com.)

Bold, New Universes of Suck…

The Chronicles of Riddick podcast is now available for your listening consumption.

 4 minutes, 5 Seconds In:
These are the Necromonger, from Chronicles of Riddick:

Yeah.

13 Minutes, 59 Seconds In:
This is Dual-Wieldy Scythe-Guy.
He does not realize that two-handed, double-blade scythes
are not good for dual-wielding.
Isn’t life grand?