Milla Jovovich Must be Stopped.

The Million Dollar Hotel

Hands down, The Million Dollar Hotel is the Worst Movie EVER!

In fact, the film was so bad, I didn’t want to slog through it a third time hunting for screen-caps.

So here’s a couple pics I stole off of Google Image Search:

TomTom and Eloise.

Milla Jovovich and Jeremy Davies as Eloise and TomTom, respectively.

They hail from the Land of Bad Haircuts.

Sad Kitty.

This film makes Kitty sad. 😦

Ziggy Stardust and the Lonely Deaths of Lizard-Men.

Masters of the Universe

Regardless of Skeletor’s sexual confusion,

Masters of the Universe is the Greatest Movie EVER.

10 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:

Teela & Man-at-Arms.

Man-at-Arms and Teela, grizzled `76ers line-backer and PETA Activist, respectively.

 

11 Minutes, 27 Seconds In:

Evil-Lynn.  HAWT!!!

Meg Foster as Evil-Lynn. She’s an uber-hotty.

21 Minutes, 25 Seconds In:

Skeletor.

Skeletor in his Sunday-lounge-around-the-throneroom threads.

vs.

Skeletor, Pimped out by Xzibit.

Ziggy played guit-a-a-a-ar!

 

CLOSING THOUGHT!

Lame Sauce.

Orco is the Lame Sauce.

Tonight is What it Means to be Young

A Rock & Roll Fable

Streets of Fire is without argument the Greatest Movie EVER! And this week I’m joined by Daryl and Gerald from AnimeWorldOrder, as well as Steve “Black Choppers” Harrison, to explore this fact.

Please visit Teleport-City and read Keith’s eloquent review of Streets of Fire.

Ellen Aim & Tom Cody

Diane Lane and Michael Pare’ as Ellen Aim and Tom Cody, the star-crossed loves of this Rock & Roll Fable.

7 Minutes, 45 Seconds:

Bill Baxton, Pompador of Champions!

Paxton-ated!

8 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

When I said Hopper, I meant this.

Dennis Hopper Too Sexay!

Not this.

12 Minutes, 34 Seconds In:

Rick Moranis, Ruler of Men!

Rick Moranis as Billy Fish. He thinks he’s so tough.

24Minutes, 13 Seconds In:

Alright now, stop.  HAMMER-TIME!

“I wonder what I’m supposed to do with this… “

Why Willem Dafoe deserves an Academy Award:

Trash Bag Pants!

Honk if you're evil.

AAAARRGH!

COMING SOON!

Studly.

Did I mention I love Dolph Lundgren?

Ultra-realistic / Too Comic-Booky?


Due to the incredible pressure brought to bear by “Hollywood” Hunting, The Punisher (2004) is simply a Movie, with no judgement or label attached.

 

(But it doesn’t have Dolph Lundgren in it. Draw your own conclusions.)

10 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

John Travolta as Howard Saint.
Not a very convincing villain; perhaps it’s his fashion sense.

 

10 Minutes, 44 Seconds In:

Harry Heck. He’s walking the line of a ring of fire, because he hurt himself today after shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die.

 

12 Minutes, 50 Seconds In:

Rebecca Romjin.
Best in roles where she a.) does not talk and b.) karates Wolverine in the face.

 

13 Minutes, 52 Seconds In:

Ben Foster as Dave. They torture the hell out of him.

 


But they leave this guy alone?

 

COMING SOON!

Step off, Priss Asagiri!

Gee Willickers, Snoop Dogg!


Master of the Flying Guillotine is the Greatest Movie EVER. If you don’t believe me, just ask Snoop Dogg.

 


Jimmy Wang Yu.
If you see him make this expression, chances are you’ve got on his bad side.

6 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:

The Master of the Flying Guillotine, in his ultra-subtle disguise as a Nazi monk.

 

9 Minutes, 12 Seconds In:

The Muy Thai Master. Tony Jaa he is not.

 

13 Minutes, 32 Seconds In:

The Yoga Master, and his pet owl, Hootie.

 

19 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

“Duuuuuh? Bamboo dull axe?”

 

IN CONCLUSION!

Snoop Dogg – much like the Almighty Gooberzilla – has impeccable taste in film.

Caturday!?!


Despite featuring Halle Berry in skin-tight leather, Catwoman is the Worst Movie EVER.

 

7 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

What the Internet is actually used for…

 

10 Minutes, 35 Seconds In:

Benjamin Bratt. He’s handsome, but he’s no Mark Dacascos.

 

11 Minutes, 12 Seconds In:

Sharon Stone plays a washed-up, alcoholic model whose beauty is fading and whose glory days are long since past.
I wonder if you’d call this method-acting?
ZING!

 

The many faces of Halle Berry:

Cute.

 


Slimey, but still cute.

 


Sassy.

 


On ur rooftops, stealin’ ur laundryz.

God Bless Uwe Boll


It doesn’t take a rocket-scientist to realize that BloodRayne is the Worst Movie EVER. And yet, I think the entire world should watch it. Everyone must know my pain.

 

On a side note, if it sounds like my voice is being strained through the guts of a cybernetic monkey, that’s because I had one of the quality settings incorrect when I recorded this. I apologize in advance.

 

2 Minutes, 57 Seconds In:

Kristanna Loken. She’s a cutie.

 

3 Minutes, 18 Seconds In:

Sir Ben Kingsley in another outrageous wig.
This is the only expression he uses in the entire film.

 

5 Minutes, 2 Seconds In:

Michael Madsen does not know how to swing a sword.

 

5 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

Damostir, Kagan’s chief thrall. I dig his punk-rock haircut.

 

9 Minutes, 41 Seconds In:

MEATLOAF!!! OH SNAP!

 

CLOSING THOUGHT!
For all those that are not yet convinced
that this movie was made under the influence of intoxicating substances:

Purple haze / up in my brain!

 

COMING SOON!

This photo makes me think naughty things.

More Dino Propaganda – Dino Catering!

 

Despite its mad, l33t catering skillz, A Sound of Thunder is the Worst Movie EVER.

 

2 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

Sir Ben Kingsley in a truly horrendous wig. Note also the champagne fountain.

 

9 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

BABOONASAURUSES! BA-BOON-A-SAURUSES!

 

10 Minutes, 45 Seconds In:

A city-scape scene in A Sound of Thunder. Note how obviously blue-screened the background is…

 

12 Minutes, 24 Seconds In:

It’s a bad sign when your Allosaurus Ice Sculpture looks better than your Allosaurus. Also, caterers get no love.

 

COMING SOON!
Next time, assuming no cataclysmic space-time catastrophes interfere and we actually get the bloody show recorded, we hope to take a stab at this:

Stab. Bloody. Get it?

Dino Propaganda – Koopas Ridin’ Dirty


Well, it doesn’t really involve time travel, but it does have alternate dimensions. And that’s why Super Mario Brothers is the Greatest Movie EVER.

 

9 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

Dennis Hopper as Koopa. That’s his real tongue.

 

10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:

That’s not big hair?

 

10 Minutes, 39 Seconds In:

Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo as the Mario Brothers. Chicks dig the `stache.

 

11 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

GOOMBA ALERT!

 

13 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:
It becomes clear that the Almighty Gooberzilla does not know the lingo.

 

19 Minutes, 50 Seconds In:

Chimps are the epitome of hilarity.

Test Your Might.


Mortal Kombat is the Greatest Movie EVER. Go out and buy a copy. Heck, buy two: one for you, and one for your Sweet Baboo.

 

5 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

Yeah, he looks like a Chinese god to me…

 

7 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

Am I hot?

Or not?

 

14 Minutes, 47 Seconds In:

Tom Dickens, Ravager of Souls!

 

19 Minutes, 9 Seconds:

I can think of worse ways to die…

 

Why Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa deserves an Academy Award:



COMING SOON!
Something involving dinosaurs and time travel, something involving Flying Guillotines, or something involving Uwe Boll. ONLY TIME WILL TELL!