Break out the repeating crossbows, because Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Click on the movie poster or movie title above to download our review of the film.
Review in a Nutshell: Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is the best of the Underworld series, mostly because it riffs on Lord of the Rings rather than The Matrix. Also, this time the vampires finally get what’s coming to them.
This movie contains:
Hold onto your viscera, because Against the Dark is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: A messy, straight-to-DVD action / horror movie, Against the Dark begs the question: Which is the real lumbering, undead monster? A vampire? Or Steven Seagal’s career?
Packed to the brim with yummy eighties goodness,
The Monster Squad is the Greatest Movie EVER!
This movie contains:
The Wolf-Man. (AWOOOOOO!)
The Creature from the Black Lagoon.
This movie also contains:
Children with a staunch belief in the Second Amendment.
Tim Robbins has issues…
Despite it’s lack of both plot and character, Van Helsing is the Greatest Worst Movie EVER.
This film contains:
Practical Combat Outfits!
Hit it in its Weak-Spot for Massive Damage!
It doesn’t take a rocket-scientist to realize that BloodRayne is the Worst Movie EVER. And yet, I think the entire world should watch it. Everyone must know my pain.
On a side note, if it sounds like my voice is being strained through the guts of a cybernetic monkey, that’s because I had one of the quality settings incorrect when I recorded this. I apologize in advance.
2 Minutes, 57 Seconds In:
Kristanna Loken. She’s a cutie.
3 Minutes, 18 Seconds In:
Sir Ben Kingsley in another outrageous wig.
This is the only expression he uses in the entire film.
5 Minutes, 2 Seconds In:
Michael Madsen does not know how to swing a sword.
5 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:
Damostir, Kagan’s chief thrall. I dig his punk-rock haircut.
9 Minutes, 41 Seconds In:
MEATLOAF!!! OH SNAP!
For all those that are not yet convinced
that this movie was made under the influence of intoxicating substances:
Purple haze / up in my brain!
This photo makes me think naughty things.
In flagrant defiance of all evidence to the contrary, Ultraviolet is the Greatest Movie EVER.
4 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:
Nick Chinlund as Daxus. I love this guy.
8 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:
Cameron Bright as Six. Not quite so loveable.
Come on, Katherine, the movie wasn’t THAT bad…
Underworld: Evolution is the Worst Movie EVER. It’s even worse than the original Underworld, which was also the Worst Movie EVER. So it’s the worst of the worst. Not to be confused with the worst of the wurst, because even bad wurst is good wurst.
In all honesty, this episode was recorded quite some time ago. I was saving it for a rainy day, and since I spent this last weekend traveling to Miami and back to help my good friend Eddy prepare for Carousel, I’ve been too swamped to record another podcast. But fear not, intrepid listeners, we have more good stuff coming down the pipe in the near future!
Being a brief illustration of what werewolves should look like:
This is the “Crinos” form,
as per Werewolf: The Apocalypse from White Wolf Games.
This is what the werewolves in Underworld: Evolution resemble.
The Lost Boys is the Greatest Movie EVER. After all, a billion angsty teenagers that shop at Hot Topic can’t all be wrong…
9 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:
Who could possibly choose between these two, burning hunks of Manhood?
17 Minutes, 14 Seconds In:
When Undeath hands you lemons, make lemon-aide.
(Or blood-aide, if you’re a vampire.)
20 Minutes, 2 Seconds In:
Nanook, Mightiest of Vampire-Slayers!
Gentlemen, we have Dog-tackle(TM).
Another week has gone by, and with it comes another Podcast, featuring a review of the execrable Underworld, a piece of sentient cinematic slime that oozed its way out of the primordial soup and permanently into the consciousness of the Almighty Gooberzilla. Seriously, this film is a sore on my brain. Watch it at your own peril.