Whale Song, Monkey Trouble, and Literal Dawg Attacks

Shiver me timbers, but Cutthroat Island is (probably not) the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring long-awaited return of Katherin the Great.

Review in a Nutshell: A big-budget pirate adventure that torpedoed an entire movie studio, Cuttroat Island hasn’t aged very well due to its thin script and questionable casting choices, but a scene-chewing performance by Frank Langella as the villainous pirate Dawg helps a bit.

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Ouroboros Pulp Rip-Off?

king_solomons_mines

Load up your double-barrel sawed-off shotgun (and never fire it), because King Solomon’s Mines (1985) is probably not the Greatest Movie EVER.

Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring Katherin the Great.

Review in a Nutshell: While not the worst Indiana Jones cash-in nor the worst adaptation of H. Rider Haggard’s Allan Quatermain novels, the Canon Film Group’s version of King Solomon’s Mines is a serious contender for those titles. It’s really, really, really bad. Seriously, why is that giant spider lurking inside an active volcano?

Tan Man w / Desk Fan

Fire up the Whizzer, because Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring the Internet’s Mike Toole.

Review in a Nutshell:  Filmed in the 70s, set in the 30s, Doc Savage feels like a film trapped in the 50s.  Hampered by a small budget and an inconsistent tone, this film could have done great things, but instead it ends up being relegated to a campy adventure film for the kiddies.  I love it anyway.

This movie contains:

Ron Ely, Ubermensch.

Arch-Villainy.

Cartoon Snakes.

The Quest for One-Eyed Willy

Break out the pirate maps to buried treasure, because The Goonies is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring Katherin(e) the Great.

Review in a Nutshell:  A formative film experience from the Eighties, The Goonies holds up well as an adventure movie that is fun for children of all ages, even if you can see some rough patches with the eyes of an adult.

This movie contains:

Truffle Shuffle.

Ghost Pirates.

Cold-blooded Murder.

Katherin(e)’s Favorite Person in the Whole Wide World.

Billy Zane in Purple Pants.

Polish up your crystal skulls, because The Phantom is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell: Under-appreciated and generally unloved, The Phantom contains just the right blend of adventure, humor, and comic book logic.  Treat Williams steals the show as the villain, Xander Drax.