The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast
Reviewing only the finest films in the history of cinema. And robots, too.
Break out the repeating crossbows, because Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Click on the movie poster or movie title above to download our review of the film.
Review in a Nutshell: Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is the best of the Underworld series, mostly because it riffs on Lord of the Rings rather than The Matrix. Also, this time the vampires finally get what’s coming to them.
This movie contains:
Ugly Vampires.
Scruffy Werewolves.
‘Unconfirmed’ Kills.
Strap on your go-go boots and grab your mighty sword, because Heavy Metal is the Greatest Movie EVER?
Click on the poster or the movie title above to download our review of the film, featuring guest cohost Gerald Rathkolb from AnimeWorldOrder.
Review in a Nutshell: Uneven, over-sexed, and outright weird in places, Heavy Metal is nonetheless a unique animated experience. It might be even nerdier than T.R.O.N.
This podcast contains:
Terrible things, man, terrible things.
Break out the glitter body-paint, because The Apple is the Greatest Movie EVER?
Click on the movie title or the picture above to download our review of the film, featuring special guest host, Celebrity Translator Neil Nadelman.
Review in a Nutshell: Either a ham-fisted musical allegory or a piece of Illuminated propaganda, The Apple is a strange, disjointed film held together by the gooey goodness of Golan / Globus and Vladek Sheybal’s charming turn as Mr. Boogalow.
This movie contains:
Shaggy Hippies.
God?
SATAN.
An actual, actual, actual vampire?
Strap on your sandals, because Conan the Destroyer is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: It may not have James Earl Jones, but it has Grace Jones, and I think that more than makes up for it, thank you very much.
This movie contains:
Ahnold’s Hypno-Face.
Constipated Wizards.
Grace Jones being Crazy.
GORILLA WIZARD GHOSTS.
Addendum: Scouring the Internet has uncovered this picture, evidence that suggests that Andre the Giant was in the fact the man in the Dagoth suit.
Are you a bad enough dude to wield the Glaive? Whether you are or not, Krull is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: A fantasy film with science fiction elements mixed in, Krull overcomes a fairly formulaic narrative with the help of excellent production design and strong performances by the supporting cast. It’s also surprisingly violent for a film with a PG rating.
This movie contains:
Gruesome Violence.
A Friendly Cyclops.
The Glaive!
WTF? Fire-hands? That’s not fair!
It’s all magic fairy dust and pink sparkles here, because The Last Unicorn is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: The Last Unicorn is a beautiful and sophisticated children’s film that deals with some surprisingly complex themes. Perhaps the film’s greatest weakness is the soundtrack, performed by America.
This movie contains:
Pirate Cats.
Unicorns in the Sea Foam.
I don’t care how many ‘bestiality’ jokes Sean makes, I think Lady Amalthea is pretty.
SATAN.
ERRATA: Mia Farrow was actually in Supergirl not Superman; Peter Beagle is in fact still fighting for his residuals.
Get ready to wave some hippy crystals, because
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within is (definitely not) the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: Technically astonishing but emotionally empty, Final Fantasy may have worked better as a video game rather than a full-length theatrical film. A weak plot and cliche characters diminish the power of the film’s extraordinary visuals.
COMING SOON!
“Who put this giant cheese grater in my spaceship?”
Strap on your fur loincloth, because Conan the Barbarian is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: By Krom, this movie is homoerotic!
This film contains:
Arnold Schwarzenneger in various fruity costumes.
James Earl Jones, Master of Mesmerism.
Trucker Mustaches.
Tremendous Snake Face.
Polish up your crystal skulls, because The Phantom is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: Under-appreciated and generally unloved, The Phantom contains just the right blend of adventure, humor, and comic book logic. Treat Williams steals the show as the villain, Xander Drax.
Ordinarily I would be assaulting your senses with a Christmas themed horror movie, such as Santa’s Slay.
But this year, Netflix decided to come down with a terminal case of stupidity, and failed to ship me any of the films that I wanted.
So you’ll just have to make do with Legend instead.
Review in a Nutshell: Legend is another one of those films that inspires a disproportionate level of fanaticism compared to its actual quality as a film. Also, Tom Cruise in a Peter Pan outfit.
The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast 
