Category Archives: Kung Fu

God Bless Uwe Boll Part III: Not LotR, Srsly

Break out the boomerangs, because In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, aka Jason Statham Rides a Horse and Kills People, is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the movie poster or the title above to download our review of the film, featuring guest co-host Daryl Surat of AnimeWorldOrder.

Review in a Nutshell:  Uwe Boll has an amazing gift to take any film of any genre and any budget-level and transform it into a clattering wreck of ineptitude punctuated with moments of actual competance.  In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is no exception, and might possibly be Boll’s magnum opus.

That Wu Du that You Do

Put on your secret kung fu master mask, because The 5 Deadly Venoms is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  One part Agatha Christie, one part violent gimmick kung fu, 5 Deadly Venoms is a classic that showcases the skills of some of the best martial arts actors to grace the silver screen.

This Movie Contains Stuff We Completely Forgot to Mention:

Throat Hook.

Brain Pin.

Ear Trauma.

“I Have Stolen Your Fish!”

Tie up your hair in ox-horns, because Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li is the Greatest (?) Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  Brightly-lit but grimly-scripted, The Legend of Chun-Li is a train-wreck of a film.  Watch it just to prove you could.

This movie does not contain:

Chun Li?

M. Bison?

Vega?

Liu Kang?

 

Daryl demands that I name this post “Drink Your Vegetables”.

Hold onto your golf balls, because Ninja III: The Domination is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  Inexplicably tacking The Exorcist and Flashdance onto a ninja film, Ninja III: The Domination may just be the pinnacle of cinematic ninja shenigans.  It’s a crime that this film is not available on DVD.

This movie conains:

Evil Ninjas.

Plucky Female Protagonists.

Evil Plucky Ninja Female Protagonists.

Chest hair.

V-8.

Fat Man in Trenchcoat with Sword, Killing Vampires

Hold onto your viscera, because Against the Dark is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  A messy, straight-to-DVD action / horror movie, Against the Dark begs the question:  Which is the real lumbering, undead monster?  A vampire?  Or Steven Seagal’s career?

Ninjas Stole this Episode from Daryl Surat.

Prepare to lurk in public restroom stalls and playgrounds, because Revenge of the Ninja is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  The second film in the unofficial “Ninja Trilogy”, Revenge of the Ninja is a real-deal ninja movie starring real-deal ninja, Sho Kosugi.  Be prepared for skullduggery and lots of dirty tricks in this slice of eighties goodness.

This movie contains:

Scary Ninja Masks.

Ninja Violence.

Ninja Grandma?

Y-M-C-A!

Hurrah!

Paul may be a bit of a John Woo hater, but Last Hurrah for Chivalry is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  Combining manly melodrama with innovative action scenes, Last Hurrah for Chivalry is a kung fu classic.  It works equally well when you’re on heavy medication, too.

Sleeping Wizard, or Snoopy?

Aerial Sword-Swinging Silliness.

Manly Emotions!

Big Month of Mark – Only the Strong

Sometimes you’ve just got to dance-fight for freedom, because Only the Strong is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell: Mark Dacascos saves a dozen troubled high schoolers through the power of capoeira.  He also beats up a gang of drug lords, also through the power of capoeira.  Truly, all of life’s problems can be solved with a careful application of the art of Brazilian dance-fighting.

This movie contains:

RASTA!

Sexy Gymnastics.

Purple Sweatpants of Justice.

This brings the Big Month of Mark to its conclusion.  Don’t worry, we’ll be sure to cover other Mark Dacascos films, such as Brotherhood of the Wolf and Crying Freeman, at some later date.

In the mean time, it’s back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Big Month of Mark – Drive


Hold onto your boots, because Drive is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  Badly mishandled in its initial release, Drive is an American action movie with both a great sense of humor and a Hong Kong martial arts flair.  Condemned to obscurity by its producers, this film should have made Mark Dacascos and Steve Wang household names.

This movie contains:

FIST BOOTS.

Disgruntled cowboy hitmen with rocket launchers.

Fruity musical numbers.

COMING SOON!

More Mark Dacascos goodness in the month of November!

Revenge of the Shaolin Pimp Cane.

Just because you’re a Buddhist doesn’t mean you’re not a Master Killer, because

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell: This was the break-out role of kung fu legend Gordon Liu.  Look for lots of gimmicky training scenes, and lots of surprisingly happy, accommodating Shaolin monks.

This movie contains:

SHAOLIN PIMP CANE.

Three Section Staff in the Hizzie.

HEADBUTT OF DEATH.

That’s all you get this week.  I’m off to Anime Weekend Atlanta, where I’ll be involved in the

Otaku USA panel as well as my own production, “Nobody loves GUNHED”, a panel with Tim Eldred.

COMING SOON!

“GRR.  ARGH.”