Square Pigs and Sexy Robots

Turn on your magnetic boots, because Space Truckers is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  Due to contributions from people as varied as Stuart Gordon and Hajime Sorayama, Space Truckers is light-years better than any low-budget, science-fiction adventure film has any right to be.  Its attention to detail and sardonic sense of humor make it a treat to watch.

This movie contains:

Square Pigs.

Pink Overalls.

Vernon Wells, Space Privateer.

The latest advancements in cybernetic male-enhancement technology.

Post Script:

This is what the good poster for Space Truckers looks like.

“I Have Stolen Your Fish!”

Tie up your hair in ox-horns, because Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li is the Greatest (?) Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  Brightly-lit but grimly-scripted, The Legend of Chun-Li is a train-wreck of a film.  Watch it just to prove you could.

This movie does not contain:

Chun Li?

M. Bison?

Vega?

Liu Kang?

 

Put on Your Angry Face!

Retract your vibro-blades, because Guyver 2: Dark Hero is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:   A low-budget, live-action adaptation of a long-running action / science fiction manga series by Yoshiki Takaya, Guyver 2: Dark Hero is buoyed up by great rubber suit special effects and an absolutely crazy stunt team.   Mike Dent of R5 Central guest stars in this episode.

This movie contains:

Angry Face.

ANGRY FACE.

Angry face?

Gay Fishmen?

“Love is Fleeting, Power is Eternal!”

Are you a bad enough dude to wield the Glaive?  Whether you are or not, Krull is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  A fantasy film with science fiction elements mixed in, Krull overcomes a fairly formulaic narrative with the help of excellent production design and strong performances by the supporting cast.  It’s also surprisingly violent for a film with a PG rating.

This movie contains:

Gruesome Violence.

A Friendly Cyclops.

The Glaive!

WTF?  Fire-hands?  That’s not fair!

And now for something completely different…

Grab a shovel and your trusty pack-mule, because The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada is one of the most honest, human examples of drama that I’ve ever seen.  It’s an excellent film that unfolds further with each repeated viewing.

Daryl demands that I name this post “Drink Your Vegetables”.

Hold onto your golf balls, because Ninja III: The Domination is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  Inexplicably tacking The Exorcist and Flashdance onto a ninja film, Ninja III: The Domination may just be the pinnacle of cinematic ninja shenigans.  It’s a crime that this film is not available on DVD.

This movie conains:

Evil Ninjas.

Plucky Female Protagonists.

Evil Plucky Ninja Female Protagonists.

Chest hair.

V-8.

Fat Man in Trenchcoat with Sword, Killing Vampires

Hold onto your viscera, because Against the Dark is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  A messy, straight-to-DVD action / horror movie, Against the Dark begs the question:  Which is the real lumbering, undead monster?  A vampire?  Or Steven Seagal’s career?

Sean hates America.

It’s all magic fairy dust and pink sparkles here, because The Last Unicorn is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  The Last Unicorn is a beautiful and sophisticated children’s film that deals with some surprisingly complex themes.  Perhaps the film’s greatest weakness is the soundtrack, performed by America.

This movie contains:

Pirate Cats.

Unicorns in the Sea Foam.

I don’t care how many ‘bestiality’ jokes Sean makes, I think Lady Amalthea is pretty.

SATAN.

ERRATA:  Mia Farrow was actually in Supergirl not Superman; Peter Beagle is in fact still fighting for his residuals.

Ninjas Stole this Episode from Daryl Surat.

Prepare to lurk in public restroom stalls and playgrounds, because Revenge of the Ninja is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Review in a Nutshell:  The second film in the unofficial “Ninja Trilogy”, Revenge of the Ninja is a real-deal ninja movie starring real-deal ninja, Sho Kosugi.  Be prepared for skullduggery and lots of dirty tricks in this slice of eighties goodness.

This movie contains:

Scary Ninja Masks.

Ninja Violence.

Ninja Grandma?

Y-M-C-A!

Use the Buddy System!

Hold onto your eyeballs, because Event Horizon is the Greatest Movie EVER?

Review in a Nutshell:  Cobbling together elements from Solaris, Hellraiser, Alien, and The Shining does not guarantee a good science fiction / horror film.   The movie’s strong cast and solid set design can’t compensate for a disconnected, fundamentally absurd plot.

COMING SOON!

Sho Kosugi does some funky hand-jive.