Reviewing only the finest films in the history of cinema. And robots, too.
I hope you paid off your dangerous, experimental surgery premiums, because Fantastic Voyage is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: Psychedelic and more than a little absurd, Fantastic Voyage is a film that benefits greatly from a second viewing. Plus, Raquel Welch in a skin-tight wetsuit.
Strap on your fur loincloth, because Conan the Barbarian is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: By Krom, this movie is homoerotic!
This film contains:
Arnold Schwarzenneger in various fruity costumes.
James Earl Jones, Master of Mesmerism.
Trucker Mustaches.
Tremendous Snake Face.
This is the only picture that should be required to convince you
that Death Race is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: On one hand, indistinguishable gray vehicles firing machine guns at one another in an ash-colored soup of choppy action scenes. On the other hand, Mario Kart power-ups and Robin Shou. On the gripping hand, Jason Statham.
Fuhgeddaboutit! 1990: The Bronx Warriors is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: Fred Williamson, Freddy Mercury impersonators, rollerskates, and gang warfare in an Italian produced rip-off of The Warriors, The Road Warrior, and Escape from New York. It doesn’t get any better than this.
This movie contains:
Pretty Boy Bikers.
Count Chocula.
Fred “Da Hammer” Williamson.
Vic Morrow in a Gestapo get-up.
The Most Terrifying Dance Ensemble in Gangland.
Polish up your crystal skulls, because The Phantom is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: Under-appreciated and generally unloved, The Phantom contains just the right blend of adventure, humor, and comic book logic. Treat Williams steals the show as the villain, Xander Drax.
Ordinarily I would be assaulting your senses with a Christmas themed horror movie, such as Santa’s Slay.
But this year, Netflix decided to come down with a terminal case of stupidity, and failed to ship me any of the films that I wanted.
So you’ll just have to make do with Legend instead.
Review in a Nutshell: Legend is another one of those films that inspires a disproportionate level of fanaticism compared to its actual quality as a film. Also, Tom Cruise in a Peter Pan outfit.
Place your bets on your favorite giant marauding reptile, because Komodo vs Cobra is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: Unlike The Curse of the Komodo from the same director, Glori-Anne Gilbert does not get naked in this film. Also, there are giant, computer generated endangered species, and they fight.
Aim for the head, because Dawn of the Dead is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: Low budget and slowly paced, Dawn of the Dead is the cornerstone of the genre for the zombie afficianados out there. For everyone, else, well…
This podcast contains:
All Sean, all the time.
Watch out for Calcifier Death Rays, because Robot Monster is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: A cautionary tale about the dangers of amateur archaeology, ferocious dinosaurs, and robots that wish to be like the Hoo-man. Truly, Robot Monster is the King Lear of robot films.
This movie contains:
DINOSAURS!
ROBOTS!
TRUE ROMANCE?
CLOSING THOUGHT!
Sometimes you’ve just got to dance-fight for freedom, because Only the Strong is the Greatest Movie EVER!
Review in a Nutshell: Mark Dacascos saves a dozen troubled high schoolers through the power of capoeira. He also beats up a gang of drug lords, also through the power of capoeira. Truly, all of life’s problems can be solved with a careful application of the art of Brazilian dance-fighting.
This movie contains:
RASTA!
Sexy Gymnastics.
Purple Sweatpants of Justice.
This brings the Big Month of Mark to its conclusion. Don’t worry, we’ll be sure to cover other Mark Dacascos films, such as Brotherhood of the Wolf and Crying Freeman, at some later date.
In the mean time, it’s back to our regularly scheduled programming.
The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast 