April 1st comes early, and XXX: State of the Union is the Greatest Movie EVER.
This film contains:
Ice Cube…
…Master of Disguise!
Also featuring:
Tanks!
Lots and Lots of Explosions.
NOTE:
Riddick not appearing in this Episode.
Karate Hippies vs Space Roaches
Despite the fact that you could defeat the bad guys with a large can of Raid(TM),
Godzilla vs Gigan is the Greatest Movie EVER!
This movie features:
Gigan!
(In retrospect, it probably was a poor choice of words
to describe Gigan using the phrase “chicken-head”.)
Anguirus!
We root for the under-dog!
Also featuring:
Corn-wielding Hippies!
Space Roaches!
And of, course…
The Showa Era Godzilla!
CLOSING THOUGHT!
Don’t forget to show your support for forcing Mom to watch Akira.
Return of the Black Hole of Awesomeness.
Despite the fact that Mom picked it out, Trespass is the Greatest Movie EVER!
This film is all about:
Bill Paxton!
Ice T!
And Ice Cube, yo!
(Also featuring Tom “Tiny” Lister.)
Robert Van Winkle not appearing in this episode.
Milla Jovovich Must be Stopped.
Hands down, The Million Dollar Hotel is the Worst Movie EVER!
In fact, the film was so bad, I didn’t want to slog through it a third time hunting for screen-caps.
So here’s a couple pics I stole off of Google Image Search:
Milla Jovovich and Jeremy Davies as Eloise and TomTom, respectively.
They hail from the Land of Bad Haircuts.
This film makes Kitty sad. 😦
Ziggy Stardust and the Lonely Deaths of Lizard-Men.
Regardless of Skeletor’s sexual confusion,
Masters of the Universe is the Greatest Movie EVER.
10 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:
Man-at-Arms and Teela, grizzled `76ers line-backer and PETA Activist, respectively.
11 Minutes, 27 Seconds In:
Meg Foster as Evil-Lynn. She’s an uber-hotty.
21 Minutes, 25 Seconds In:
Skeletor in his Sunday-lounge-around-the-throneroom threads.
vs.
Ziggy played guit-a-a-a-ar!
CLOSING THOUGHT!
Orco is the Lame Sauce.
Tonight is What it Means to be Young
Streets of Fire is without argument the Greatest Movie EVER! And this week I’m joined by Daryl and Gerald from AnimeWorldOrder, as well as Steve “Black Choppers” Harrison, to explore this fact.
Please visit Teleport-City and read Keith’s eloquent review of Streets of Fire.
Diane Lane and Michael Pare’ as Ellen Aim and Tom Cody, the star-crossed loves of this Rock & Roll Fable.
7 Minutes, 45 Seconds:
Paxton-ated!
8 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:
When I said Hopper, I meant this.
Not this.
12 Minutes, 34 Seconds In:
Rick Moranis as Billy Fish. He thinks he’s so tough.
24Minutes, 13 Seconds In:
“I wonder what I’m supposed to do with this… “
Why Willem Dafoe deserves an Academy Award:
COMING SOON!
Did I mention I love Dolph Lundgren?
Ultra-realistic / Too Comic-Booky?
Due to the incredible pressure brought to bear by “Hollywood” Hunting, The Punisher (2004) is simply a Movie, with no judgement or label attached.
(But it doesn’t have Dolph Lundgren in it. Draw your own conclusions.)
10 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:
John Travolta as Howard Saint.
Not a very convincing villain; perhaps it’s his fashion sense.
10 Minutes, 44 Seconds In:
Harry Heck. He’s walking the line of a ring of fire, because he hurt himself today after shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die.
12 Minutes, 50 Seconds In:
Rebecca Romjin.
Best in roles where she a.) does not talk and b.) karates Wolverine in the face.
13 Minutes, 52 Seconds In:
Ben Foster as Dave. They torture the hell out of him.
But they leave this guy alone?
COMING SOON!
Step off, Priss Asagiri!
Gee Willickers, Snoop Dogg!
Master of the Flying Guillotine is the Greatest Movie EVER. If you don’t believe me, just ask Snoop Dogg.
Jimmy Wang Yu.
If you see him make this expression, chances are you’ve got on his bad side.
6 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:
The Master of the Flying Guillotine, in his ultra-subtle disguise as a Nazi monk.
9 Minutes, 12 Seconds In:
The Muy Thai Master. Tony Jaa he is not.
13 Minutes, 32 Seconds In:
The Yoga Master, and his pet owl, Hootie.
19 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:
“Duuuuuh? Bamboo dull axe?”
IN CONCLUSION!
Snoop Dogg – much like the Almighty Gooberzilla – has impeccable taste in film.
Caturday!?!
Despite featuring Halle Berry in skin-tight leather, Catwoman is the Worst Movie EVER.
7 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:
What the Internet is actually used for…
10 Minutes, 35 Seconds In:
Benjamin Bratt. He’s handsome, but he’s no Mark Dacascos.
11 Minutes, 12 Seconds In:
Sharon Stone plays a washed-up, alcoholic model whose beauty is fading and whose glory days are long since past.
I wonder if you’d call this method-acting?
ZING!
The many faces of Halle Berry:
Cute.
Slimey, but still cute.
Sassy.
On ur rooftops, stealin’ ur laundryz.
God Bless Uwe Boll
It doesn’t take a rocket-scientist to realize that BloodRayne is the Worst Movie EVER. And yet, I think the entire world should watch it. Everyone must know my pain.
On a side note, if it sounds like my voice is being strained through the guts of a cybernetic monkey, that’s because I had one of the quality settings incorrect when I recorded this. I apologize in advance.
2 Minutes, 57 Seconds In:
Kristanna Loken. She’s a cutie.
3 Minutes, 18 Seconds In:
Sir Ben Kingsley in another outrageous wig.
This is the only expression he uses in the entire film.
5 Minutes, 2 Seconds In:
Michael Madsen does not know how to swing a sword.
5 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:
Damostir, Kagan’s chief thrall. I dig his punk-rock haircut.
9 Minutes, 41 Seconds In:
MEATLOAF!!! OH SNAP!
CLOSING THOUGHT!
For all those that are not yet convinced
that this movie was made under the influence of intoxicating substances:
Purple haze / up in my brain!
COMING SOON!
This photo makes me think naughty things.
The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast 